Candy, Crimson, and Crybabies

A play I wrote in High School that I thought would make for a perfect last blog to the class. I do have a recording of the performance on DVD (which contains a lot of men in women's outfits, quite hilarious) but the sound is shotty. Brief explanation of the original plan for this: We went for Hansel and Gretel with a Shakespeare Twist, Little Red Riding Hood with a gangster twist, and Cinderella the Musical. The crazy displacements are quite funny (considering I didn't even know what displacement was when I wrote this! ;). With that, please enjoy!

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Candy, Crimson, and Crybabies

A play written by: Chris Clark, Brian Mitchell, and Blake Stemen

Performance, Directed, and Produced by: Chris Clark, Brian Mitchell, and Blake Stemen

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(Curtain Opens, Lights Brighten)

(Reveal a psych ward group (Left to Right): Sleeping Beauty, Anna, Gretel, Dr. Grimm, Wolf, Snow White, and Pinocchio)

Dr. Grimm: Good morning, group. My name is Dr. Vera Grimm. I'll be filling in for your regular psychiatrist, Dr. A. Sop. Well, how is erveryone today?

(Silence - Cue Cricket Noise)

Dr. Grimm: That won't do. Let's try again. How is everyone today?

(Silence - Cue Cricket Noise)

Dr. Grimm: Well, we'll work on that later. As you can see, we have some newcomers here today, so let's have our old friends tell our new friends why they're here. Then we'll have the new friend's tell their story. You, the white one.... please, go on.

Snow White: Um, hello, I'm Snow White. And I am a microsociaphobe. Yes, I'm afraid of small people.

Grimm: How are things going for you?

White: Well, yesterday I saw, like, seven dwarves, and I didn't even scream. But is it a bad thing I flinched and nearly fainted?

Grimm: Yes.

White: Oh, shoot.

Grimm: Next...

Pinocchio: I'm Pinocchio, and the docs put me in here because I've become a compulsive liar. I don't like to lie, it's just... (STARTS SOBBING) my nose won't grow when I lie. (CONTINUES TO SOB LOUDLY) I just can't take it anymore! I'm a mighty nija warrior...nada! I'm a Malibu Barbie...I'm three hundred and fifty pounds...nothin! Absolutely NOTHIN'!

Grimm: (SYMPATHETICALLY) Patience, my poor Pinocchio... It'll be O.K.... what about you, dear?

Sleeping Beauty: (SNOBBISHLY) I'm Sleeping Beauty. I'm an insomniac. And... I'm...sleepy. So...sleepy. I'm always sleepy. I love sleeping, and I used to do it so much, but now.... arrrggghhhhh!

Grimm: Calm down...you'll be alright. (SLEEPING BEAUTY TWITCHES A COUPLE TIMES. GRIMM BUMPS HER HEAD WITH HER PALM AND SLEEPING BEAUTY FALLS INTO A DEEP SLEEP) Ah, the power of hypnosis. Thank you all for sharing your stories. Now, let's have our newcomers introduce themselves and open to us their unfortunate minds.

Gretel: Well, my name is Gretel and I am a compulsive eater. But I'm getting better! I have resisted the urge to inhale all the food within a seven mile radius three days in the past week.

Grimm: What about the other four days?

Gretel: (ANGRILY) Hey, I'm trying my hardest.

(LIGHTS DIM AND SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON GRIMM AND GRETEL. OTHERS SNEAK OFF STAGE TO GET READY.)

Grimm: Gretel, let's go into this. What makes you want to eat so much food?

Gretel: Well, you see it started a long time ago. I must have been around the age of 12. My father had just married a new woman. She absolutely hated my brother and me.

(TWINKLY MUSIC TO SHOW TRANSTITION TO HANSEL AND GRETEL. DARKNESS AS NARRATOR COMES OVER SPEAKERS)

Narrator: There once lived a poor woodcutter and his wife. The woodcutter had two children who were the light of his life. Their names were Hansel and Gretel. The woodcutter's wife was their stepmother.

Times were hard, and the woodcutter was barely able to support his family. One day, the woodcutter said to his wife, "What shall become of us? We can no longer afford to feed ourselvex and the children."

His wife siad, "Tomorrow, take the children into the woods to help you cut wood. On the way, leave them in a clearing while you go on ahead to chop wood. Take another path home. They won't be able to find their way out of the forest." As you might have guessed, this woman hated her stepchildren and wanted their father all to herself.

"No, Lucinda," said the woodcutter to his wife, "I cannot do that. How can I bear to leave my children alone in the forest? The wild animals would come and tear them to pieces."

"Oh, you fool," said Lucinda, "then all four of us must die of hunger, and you may as well cut the wood for our coffins." She gave him no peace until he agreed that two deaths were better than four. But still, he could not bring himself to lead his only children to their demise. Finally, Lucinda decided that she would lead Hansel and Gretel into the woods.

The woodcutter could not be consoled. "I would rather I starved to spare my children," he lamented. But his wife was insistent, and finally he gave in.

The two children had overheard the converstations.

Gretel wept bitter tears, and said to Hansel, "What can we do? All is lost for us."

"Be quie, Gretel," said Hansel. "Don't worry. I will find a way to get us out of this. Be comforted, dear sister. God will not forsake us."

When the next day dawned, the woman came and awoke the two children, saying, "Get up, you sluggards! You two and I are going into the forest to fetch some berries." She gave each a little piece of bread, and said, "Here is something for your dinner, but do not eat it up before nightfall, for you will get nothing else." And so, Hansel and Gretel set off on their journey into the woods, leaving their sorrowful father behind.

(Open Curtains)

(ENTER HANSEL, GRETEL, AND STEPMOTHER. AS LINES ARE SPOKEN, CHARACTERS CIRCLE SET ONCE, three trees, AND COME TO STOP IN CLEARING.)

Hansel: Oh, stepmother, where are we at?

Stepmother: Thou art in the darkest and dreadfullest part of the wood.

Gretel: (WHINY VOICE) O, Stepmother, when will we stoppith? My legs are sooo sore.

Stepmother: (EXASPERATED) Must thou whine all the time, Gretel?

Gretel: Of course. How else will I get my way?

Hansel: Maybe, you could ask nicely.

Gretel: O, silence thy tongue, brother Hansel. Please, Stepmother, can't we stop soon?

Stepmother: No, not yet. We chall reach a safer place in mere minutes.

Gretel: Please! My leags feel liketh they shall fall off if I take another step.

Hansel: Stepmother, please let us stop so that Gretel will stop her bloody whining!

Stepmother: (FRUSTRATED) Fine! Thou can stoppith here. I must go on ahead to picketh some berries. (EXIT STEPMOTHER)

Hansel: (STARTS TO SNIFFLE) O, how are we to get out of this most vile of forests?

Gretel: I do not know, my dear brother.

Hansel/Gretel: (TOGETHER) O woe, o woe, we are so troubled we are speaking in unison!

(PAUSE)

Gretel: Wait. Didn'tst thou dropeth the bread crumbs, as we discussed, to mark our trail?

Hansel: (GUILTILY) No, I ate them back near the old oak tree.

Gretel: (YELLING) Though ateth the bread!? The same bread that was goin to save us!?

Hansel: Well...yes. My stomach started to make such an unholy racket.

Gretel: (DISGUSTED) Thou art more of a dolt then I had ever thought possible. What now are we to do? O woe is me to have a brother such as thee.

Hansel: Let us walk on.

Gretel: Fine. Let's go. (LOUDLY ASIDE) You crumb-eating dolt!

(HANSEL AND GRETEL BEGIN TO WALK. THEY WALK OFF STAGE. BLACK OUT. THEY COME BACK ONTO STAGE, LIGHTS ON, AND LOOK ACROSS TO SEE A HOUSE MADE OF GINGERBREAD.)

Hansel: Look dear sister. Do my eyes deceive me or is that a hut down in that valley.

Gretel: (CRUELLY) I am so glad that your eyes wish to help us. Now, if only your stomach were as cooperative as that.

Hansel: I am sorry, dear sister. My hunger overpowered me. Let us just enter this gingerbread hut. Maybe there's food in there.

Gretel: (YELLING) Of course there's food in there. It's made of gingerbread. It is food!

(HANSEL AND GRETEL TIP-TOE ACROSS STAGE AND LOOK IN)

Hansel: No one seemest to be home.

Gretel: (SARCCASTICALLY) Duh!

(THEY LOOK AROUND. SUDDENLY, WITCH, looking very similar to stepmother, COME SLIDING ONSTAGE ON SCOOTER/BROOM AND JUMPS OFF AS IT GOES CRASHING OFF STAGE. CACKLES AS SHE GOES)

Witch: Well, hello, my dears. What doth thou thinketh thou art doing in my humble hut?

Hansel: We are so sorry, good lady. My sister and I are lost in the forest. We saw thy home and we have no food or drink. Could thou help us?

Witch: (PICNHING ARMS OF CHILDREN) You two are so thin. Thou needest food; that much is certain.

Gretel: Where could we buy some food?

Witch: You can't. 'Tis impossible.

Gretel: Then where can we get some food? Could you make us something?

Witch: Well...

Gretel: (GRABS HOLD OF WITCH) OH PLEASE, PLEASE make us something. I am SSSOOO hungry.

Witch: You push to hard, darlings. But, eh, what the heck. I can make many sweets that you might like. They will fill and fatten you up wuite nicely. Follow me around back to the dunge...um garden. That's right, my candy garden. We'll pick something out that you'll like.

(KIDS FOLLOW WITCH ACROSS STAGE)

Witch: What would thee like? It can be anything. Sweet, sour, bitter, salty, hot, cold. If you name it, I can make it.

Hansel: Really? Could thou make a nice chocoalte cake?

Witch: Mmmm, delicious.

Gretel: That sounds great, but could we get some carrots or maybe something like a nice low-fat (WITCH WINCES) bowl of yogurt.

Witch: Ugh, no yogurt.

Hansel: Didn't thou say it was our decision?

Witch: Yes, but no yogurt.

Hansel: Why not?

Witch: 'Tis too healthy. Not enough sugar, cholesterol, or calories for growing children. And worst of all, it's (SOBS) LOW-FAT. (WEEPS PATHETICALLY, THEN PERKS UP)

Gretel: How about...milk?

Witch: Ice Cream!

Hansel: An apple?

Witch: In a pie!

Gretel: That would be wonderful. O thank thee, dear lady. We were so hungry we could've eaten each other.

Witch: (EVILY) Hmmm. What a delicious idea! (DRAGS CHILDREN OFF STAGE BY THEIR EARS)

(LIGHTS DIM OFF, AND THEN BRIGHTEN, REVEALING HANSEL AND GRETEL IN THE CAGE EATING RANDOM CANDY, SADLY)

Hansel: Don't you think that our captor, the Witch, looks a lot like our stepmother?

Gretel: Yes, but why would our stepmother do such a thing?

Hansel: She hates us. Didn't you hear her tell our father to take us into the forest and leave us?

Gretel: OK. She does hate us, but she couldn't hate us that much, could she? What did we ever doeth to her?

Hansel: I don't know, but we better find a way to get out of here. If we don't, she is going to eat us.

Gretel: Well, what can we possibly do?

(CONTINUE ON INTO JEOPARDY THINKING SONG, BOTH DOING DO DO DOO'S OFF OF GRETEL'S LAST DO SHE SPEAKS)

Gretel: I've got it. These bars are made of black licorice. We could just eat our way out.

Hansel: First of all, we both hate black licorice. Secondly, even if we did like licorice, the witch could come in at any time and cook us on the spot.

Gretel: (ANGRILY) Fine! you come up with an idea to get us out of this awful kitchen!

Hansel: (PAUSES TO THINK) I've got it. The next time she lets me out to help her bake, I'll push her into the oven before she bakes us.

Gretel: We'll cook her, before she cooks us!

Witch: (FROM OFF STAGE) Children, it's snack time!

Hansel: Quiet now, we don't want her to suspect anything.

(WITCH ENTERS AND LETS HANSEL OUT OF THE CAGE)

Witch: Hello, my sweets. (GASPS) Hansel, you look so thin. We need to feed you some more food. Here, eat this gigantic chocolate cake. (GIVVES HANSEL FOOD. WALKS OFF)

Hansel: To eat or not to eat, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the stomach to suffer pains and gurgles of an empty tummy or to stuff myself with cake to quiet my hunger. To eat. To starve. To starve, perchance to die. Ay, there's the rub....(RUBS BELLY AND SMASHES CAKE INTO MOUTH)

Witch: (ENTERS) There's a good boy. (WALKS TO GRETEL, PINCHING GRETEL TO TEST FAT) My poor Gretel. You don't seem to be getting enough food. You are as skinny as the day you came here. Come, Hansel, help me cook more food so that I might feed thy sister. (LETS HANSEL OUT OF THE CAGE) Would you please look into the oven and tell me if it is hot enough.

Hansel: I do not know how to check. Tell me please, how can I test the temperature?

Witch: Oh, you dense little morsel. All thee must do is open the door liketh this (OPENS OFFSTAGE DOOR), stick thine head in liketh this (STICKS HEAD IN) and tell me if the fire is hot. (HANSEL BEGINS TO PUSH THE WITCH INTO THE OVEN) What? What? Hansel, what are you doing? Stop pushing me. 'Tis somewhat hot in here.

(HANSEL PUSHES WITH INTO STOVE WITH SOME DIFFICULTY)

Hansel: Goodbye, Stepmother.

(WITCH CAN BE HEARD OFF STAGE SCREAMING:)

Witch: Hansel, how could you? I'll get you my pretty and your little sister, too! (SCREAMING) I'm burning, I'm burning. Oh what a world, what a world, what a world!

Hansel: (APPROACHES CAGE AND SAYS MOCKINGLY) My word, you've gotten fat, Gretel.

Gretel: (YELLING) Just get me out of this cage.

Hansel: Why should I? All thou do'ist yell amd scream and whine like tis the end of the world.

Gretel: Please let me out, dear brother.

Hansel: (ANGRILY) No.

Gretel: But what am I to do in here all by myself? What will you do without me?

Hansel: Gretel, you're about as useful as a T-bone steak on a vegetarian menu. I do not need you to get me out of this vile forest. (BEGINS TO WALK OFF STAGE)

Gretel: You dolt, how art thee to find your way hometh without that evil witch? You have to let me out, I...um...know the way out of this evil forest. Our stepmother toldeth me how.

Hansel: Eateth thy way out, Gretel! Good bye sister! I hope to see you again when your tongue is not as sharp or venomous. (EXITS)

Gretel: (ATTEMPTING TO EAT THE BARS) Hansel, I am sorry. Please let me out. I liketh not the taste of these bars. They're black licorise. Please.....Hansel.... let me oooouuut!

(CLOSE CURTAINS, LIGHTS OFF)

Narrator: And Hansel lived happily ever after or at least until Gretel ate her way out. Once she did, she began to hunt down her dear brother Hansel. He escaped her wrath by moving to Barbados with his high school sweet heart, Olga. Thus, Gretel sunk into a deep depression.

(LIGHTS ON, PSYCH WARD AND CHAIRS ARE BACK)

Grimm: (CLUELESSLY) So why exactly did you start getting depressed?

Gretel: I got depressed because I ate and I ate because I was depressed.

Grimm: Ah, I see. Well, I really don't know what to tell you.

Gretel: But, I though you were a shrink.

Grimm: Yes, I am a shrink, but I shrink minds, not bodies. (GRETEL GASPS) Besides, you're such a special case, I don't think I am qualifeied to help you. (FLUSH, ANNA WALKS OUT WITH TOILET PAPER ON SHOE) Moving on, (SPEAKING TO WOLF) what about you, sir? What's your story?

Wolf: My name is Wolf, and I am absolutely terrified of the color red.

(SNOW WHITE BEGINS TO SNEEZE AND PULLS OUT A RED HANKY. WOLF SEES IT, YELLS, AND DUCKS DOWN BEHIND DR. GRIMM.)

White: Oh, sorry. I'm allergic to dogs.

Wolf: I'm not a dog. I'm a wolf. There's a big difference.

White: Explain that to my allergies. (SNEEZES. USES HANKY AGAIN, AND WOLF SCREAMS)

Grimm: It's alright, Mr. Wolf. She just sneezed. And besides...it's only a hanky.

Wolf: (SITTING BACK DOWN TIMIDLY) Only a hanky!? Only a hanky? That hanky almost gave me a heart attack.

Grimm: There, there. So, tell me, why are you so terrified of the color red?

Wolf: I remember the day like it was yesterday, but really it was almost ten years ago. I was in the New York are getting a little R&R. Anyway, here's how the story ran in the local paper.

(TWINKLING MUSIC TO SIGNIFY TRANSITION TO LITTLE RED RIDER FROM THE HOOD. LIGHTS OUT)

Narrator: Once upon a time there was a....um....sweet little...boy named Rider. Everyone who met him liked him, but the person who like him most of all was his grandmother. He often made the journey from his inthe Bronx to his Granmother's in the country. The old woman loved her grandson, and she loved to spoil him. Once she gave him a little cap made of red cloth. Because it suited him so well and he wore it all the time, whenever he cam to the country he was called Little Red Rider from the Hood.

One day, his mother said to him, "Come, Little red Rider. here is a piece of cake and a bottle of cider. Take them to your grandmother. She is sick and weak, and they will do her good. Mind your manners and give her our blessings. Behave yourself on the way, and do not wonder astray, or you might get lost or eaten by the evil things of this world."

Little Red Rider promised to obey his mother. The granmother lived an hour's walk from the city. Soon after Little Red Rider entered the country, a wolf cam up to him. He did not know what a wicked animal he was, so Little Red Rider took a short break from his walk to talk with Wolf.

(CURTAIN OPEN TO FIND RIDER BOUNCING THROUGH THE FOREST, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN WOLF POPS OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE)

Wolf: Good day to you, Little Red Rider from the Hood.

Rider: Word Up! Forschizzle my nizzle, my good wolf!

Wolf: May I ask where you might be going, oh so early in the morning, Little Red Rider from the Hood?

Rider: To my Slammin Grammin, a'course.

Wolf: And may I ask what you be packing in the pockets of those giant pants of yours?

Rider: Well, da word up is Gramms ain't doing' so up there. So Ma said, "Wine her; dine her; it'll make her fell finer." The goods es fresher den da Fresh Prince, and they should get her hippity hoppin in no time soon.

Wolf: Little Red Rider from the Hood, just where does your sweet and innocent grandmother live?

Rider: Gramm's hood es 'bout half hour from this here place, under the 1....2....5 oak trees (HOLDING UP THREE FINGERS). There's this wicked hedge of hazel bushes. You godda know that which I speak of.

Wolf: (ASIDE) I do know her, that nice, fat lady under the oaks. She will be a tasty little morsel. But how do I get Little Red Rider from the Hood out of my way? (HARD THINK, THEN LOOKS OFFSTAGE) That's it! (TALKING TO RIDER) Listen, Little Red Rider from the Hood, have you seen the beautiful mushrooms that are blossoming near the lake? Why don't you go take a look? And I don't believe you have heard how beautifully the pigeons are singing in the trees.

Rider: Gramms will love some shrooms. I I crank schnizzel a load, I can be back in da hood by dark.

(RIDER GOES RUNNING OFF STAGE. WOLF RUNS SNEAKILY OFF THE OTHER WAY. CURTAINS CLOSE)

(BRIEF INTERMISSION TO CHANGE SCENES FROM WOODS

(START OFF WITH NO FRONT SPOTS, BACK LIT ONLY. GRAMMS SILHOUETTED)

Gramms: (PRETENDING TO SING TO MUSIC WHILE DANCING CRAZILY ACROSS STAGE) (SONG FROM HAIRSPRAY) Once upon a time, girl, I was just like you. Never let my extra large Largesse shine through. Hair was brown and nappy. Never had no fun. I hid under a bushel Which is easier said than done! Then one day my grandma who was big and stout. She said, "You gotta love yourself from inside out." And just as soon as I learned How to strut my funky stuff, I found out that the worl at large can't get enough. So... (CUE SPOTS AND ALL ON STAGE FOR DANCE PARTY) Bring on the pecan pie. Pour some sugar on it sugar don't be shy. scoop me up a mess of that chocolate swirl. Don't be stingy, I'm a growing girl. I offer big love with no apology. How can I deny the world the most of me? I am not afraid to throw my weight around, Pound by pound by pound. (CUT MUSIC, KNOCK OFF STAGE, ALL OFF EXCEPT GRAMMS)

Gramms: Oh dear, just a second.

Wolf: (TO THE AUDIENCE) This old fatty will never know what hit her.

Gramms: (SEEING WOLF) Oh lordy, da devil himself has stepped upon my hold threshold. Be gone from dis holy place. Be gone, devil creature!

Wolf: If you do as I say, my little fatty, I'll be patient and save you for dinner tonight instead of eating you RIGHT NOW!

Gramms: I might be sick, and I might be ode, and I might be FAT! But I'll still give you a whoppin' boy!

(GRAMMS COMES AT WOLF WITH CANE. WOLF EASILY GRABS IT AND CONKS HER ON THE HEAD)

Wolf: I'll save her for the main course of the night. (TRIES TO DRAG HER OFF, BUT CAN'T).....well, maybe the main course for a few night. Now, I'll lay in wait from my little, red appetizer. (EVIL LAUGH)

(LIGHTS DARKEN, WOLF GRABS CHAIR AND BLANKET FROM OFF STAGE AND BRINGS THEM OUT. RIDER WALK INTO THE DARK HOUSE)

Rider: Wassup, Gramms!? What sorta playa makes their house as hooky spooky as this? Gramms! Where are you Gramms?!

Wolf: (IN A SOFT VOICE) Over hea-ear! I like the dark when I'm sickly. Are you scared child?....let me sing to you....(SCREECHILY) Rider's in his holy TEMPLEEE!"

Rider: Gramms! You tryin' to make me deaf!? I know you're ill, so, please, no hippity hopping when you're sick Gramms!...I brung you these shrooms to make you feel sweeta in yo seata.

Wolf: Come child..... sit down beside me and we'll eat them together.

(RIDER GOES AND SITS IN FRONT OF WOLF. HE GETS SUSPICIOUS WHEN HE SEES BLANKET WRAPPED ALL AROUND HIM)

Rider: Gramms! What wicked big ears you gots!

Wolf: All the better to hear you with, my sweet child!

Rider: Gramms! What wicked big eyes you gots!

Wolf: All the better to see you with, my sweet child!

Rider: Gramms! What wicked big hands you gots!

Wolf: All the better to SQUEEZE you with, my sweet child!

Rider: Gramms! What a horribly wicked big schnozzer you gots!

Wolf: All the better to gobble you down with!

Rider: Stay away from da playa, foo!

(WOLF JUMPS AT RIDER, RIGHT THEN A LARGE MAN DRESSED IN A BLACK CAPE AND BRIGHT RED SHIRT COME LEAPING IN, THUMPING HIS CHEST LIKE TARZAN. HE ALSO WEARS A BATMAN MASK UPON HIS FACE)

Large Man: (YELLING) Ayayayayayayayayaya, be gone wolf, or I will hunt you, stuff you, and hang you on my wall!

Wolf: And why should I listen to you, you crazy lookin' cherry man?

Large Man: Because, Wolf, I am the legendary (FLINGS BACK CLOAK) CRIMSON CRONEY CRUNCHER OF THE CALADRIOUS CLAN!" and there's not one animal upon this Earth I have not captured.....plus, I know your father.

Wolf: You know my father?

Large Man: Yes......I am your father.

Wolf: You are my father? You....you're the one that left mother to fend for herself with five little pups!? It's your fault I grew up to be a maneating beast! You're the reason for this! You're the reason....(LOOKS AT LARGE MAN'S BRIGHT RED SHIRT) YOU...THE RED MAN.....EVIL RED MAN....RED! (TURNS TO RUN AND SEES RIDER'S RED HAT) ...RED! RED! AHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Wolf goes running off the stage yelling "RED!")

Large Man: I am sorry for the things I have done to htat poor creature, but I would never have been able to stay with the family. My hunting nature called.....Now, where is that grandmother of yours?

(We hear Gramms yelling from offstage)

Rider: Jes one munizzle, Gramms....it's all good now.

(RIDER EXITS. WE HEAR LOUD BANGING OFF STAGE WHILE LARGE MAN FINDS A SEAT IN THE HOUSE)

Rider: (OFF STAGE) Gramms...how did he squeeze you into such a little closet?

Gramms: (OFF STAGE) Deary, I den't know... Oh, watch it! ......(BANG BANG)......Rider, don't go over there!......(CRASH AND RIDER YELLING LIKE FALLING FAR)

(LARGE MAN JUMPS UP FROM HIS CHAIR TO GO HELP BACKSTAGE, BUT GRAMMS BACKS UP ONTO STAGE FIRST)

Gramms: (ALL FRANTIC, WITH HER BACK TO THE LARGE MAN) Rider! He's fallen into de whale.... I can't get him back up et.

Large Man: Excuse me, mam? Did you say he fett into the whale?

Gramms: (NOT NOTICING ANYONE SPOKE TO HER BECAUSE STILL FRANTIC) Yes, da whale. You know. you get water from da whale with a bucket..... a wishing whale....(TURNS TO SEE WHO SHE'S TALKING TO, AND FALLS INSTANTLY IN LOVE)....Oh my, my, my....what do we have here? (SHE STRUTS OVER TO LARGE MAN) ........What a SWATE PACE of MEAT the dogs drug in TONIGHT!

Large Man: Um......I......Um........hear someone in trouble.......I must......um...RUN! (EXITS FAST)

Gramms: (CHASING WITH HOBBLE) Wait, swatey! Come back, honey! Don't run from your sugar momma!

(LIGHTS DIM. LIGHTS BRIGHTEN REVEALING PSYCH GROUP)

Wolf: That what they said about me, but that's not how it went. I was just trying to help Gramms get something out of the closet and she fell in and the door locked. Then I tried to get Rider to help me but this uh...ah....EH.....RE.....CRAZY CORNY COMSON CUCKER OF THE CRUNCHING CLUB CAME SCREAMIN IN! He came and told me that he wanted to kill me then he told me he was my father! Tell me, what do I do doc?!?

Grimm: Well, let's hear the others stories then we'll get back to you.

Wolf: (YELLING) What!!! You're supposed to help people like me. I don't believe this. This is ridiculous. I am paying you good money to GET THIS RED MAN OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

Anna: (WHISHPERS) Sssssssshhh, be quiet.

Grimm: Why??? He has every right to YELL AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS! Anyway, what's your name and what the heck is wrong with you?

Anna: (WHISPERING) My name is Anna and I haev multiple personalities, so would you please stop yelling.

Wolf: Why are you whispering?

Anna: I don't want to wake the other.

Wolf: What others?

Anna: Well.....there's Clive, Dolly, and me, Anna. Clive's a bank robber and Dolly is a six-year-old crybaby.

Grimm: Ah, I see. Well, what caused you to go crazy?

(LIGHTS DIM AND TWINKLING MUSIC COMES ON)

Narrator: Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a beautiful girl who was enslaved in her own mansio. OK, well, Maybe it was a five floor walkup in downtown Manhattan, but who's taking notes anyway.

Cindy's father had died suddenly and left everything to her stepmother and her two children. Anna and Ella were the worst sisters and they always bossed cindy around. Eventually, Cindy was forced to become the family's nanny and was given orders left and right.

As time passed, Cindy's beuty faded under the stress of housekeeping and she began to look a lot like Elizabeth Taylor. Old and worn out. Cindy was probably the most unpopular girl at school and Anna and Ella didn't make it any better. What Cindy wanted the most was to get revenge on her evil stepsisters and teach them a lesson the would not soon forget.

(LIGHTS BRIGHTEN OUTSIDE OF CURTAINS, ENTER ANNA AND ELLA)

Anna: Cindy!

Ella: Cindy, get down her right now!

Anna/Ella: CINDY!

(CINDY ENTERS)

Ella: You still look dreadful.

Anna: As always.

Cindy: Sorry.

Ella: Just get your stuff, we're gonna be late!

Cindy: Just a second!

Anna: No, not just a second. We're gonna miss the limo!

Cindy: But I haven't even eaten yet!

Anna/Ella: NOW!!!

(LIGHTS DIM. CURTAINS OPEN REVEALING THEM IN SCHOOL BACKDROP)

Ella: Look Cindy, it's just like everyday. Just stay out of our way and act like you don't know us and everything will be just fine.

Anna: And whatever you do, if Adam Hilston come within a city block of us, you better jump into the nearest trash can. Yah got that!

Cindy: OK (LEAVES)

(SISTERS WALK OVER TO CALLIE)

Ella: Oh my gawd Callie, quess what happened to me last night!

Callie: Likem yuo got bit by a caribou?

Anna: No, she didn't get bit by a caribou!

Ella: Adam Hilston called me!

(GIRLS GIGGLE SNICKER LAUGH)

Callie: Adam Hilston. You mean the guy with suave hair, nice abs, and an awesome.....yah know!

Anna/Ella: NNNNNNNNNHHHHHHAAAAAAA!

Callie: well, what did he say?

Ella: Oh, well, he had the wrong number, but he still called me!

Cindy: (ENTERS, WALKS OVER TO ANNA, OTHER GIRLS CHATTING QUIETLY) Hey, Anna, do you have some chap stick that I can borrow?

Anna: Excuse me! Who are you?

Cindy: Your sister.

Anna: (PULLS HER ASIDE) I thuoght I told you not to talk to us, Cindy!

Ella/Callie: (LOOKING OFF STAGE) There's Adam! (LEAVE RUNNING OFFSTAGE)

Anna: Stay out of our lives! (PUSHES CINDY INTO TRASH CAN AND RUNS OFF STAGE)

Cindy: (DIM LIGHTS, SPOTLIGHT ON HER IN TRASH, SINGING) Just thinking about, tomorrow, Clears away the cob webs and the sorrow, 'til there's none. When I'm stuck with a day, that's grey and lonely, I'll just stick out my chin, and grin, and say, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, maybe they'll like me tomorrow. (DUCKS INTO GARBAGE)

Random Character: (WALKS BY AND THROWS A BANANA PEEL INTO GARBAGE)

Cindy: It's only a day away!

(LIGHTS BRIGHTEN, HOLLY, SOME SOUTHERN GIRL, WALKS ON STAGE AND SEES CINDY)

Holly: What are you doing in there?

Cindy: Is it safe to come out?

Holly: Yes...

Cindy: (CRAWLS OUT) Oh, thank you. I'm Cindy.

Holly: I'm Holly Preston. I just moved here from Little Rock, Arkansas. Why were you hiding in the garbage can?

Cindy: My step-sister threw me in there when the guy she liked came by.

Holly: Well, you are a quite unfortunate sould, but hardly trash worthy.

Cindy: Well, it's nice to meet you!

(SCHOOL ANNOUNCEMENT BEEPS ON, ALL GO SILENT)

Announcer: Good Morning Appleton High School, and here are your announcements! Don't forget, winter ball's tomorrow and this is the last day you can buy tickets. Couples are $75 and singles are $35. (SOMEONE WITH IGOR VOICE) And remember, only losers don't go to the winter ball!

(ANNOUNCER ENDS AND BEEPS OFF)

Holly: Oh, I live for dances! What about you? Are you going?

Cindy: I can't. My mom would never let me go, and I don't have anything to wear.

Holly: Oh, don't worry about that. I'll take care of everything. All you'll have to worry about is the hot guy you're gonna land at the ball.

(LIGHTS DIM. LIGHTS BRIGHTEN WITH CINDY, STAGE CENTER, ON A CHAIR. HOLLY WALKS AROUND HER)

Holly: (spoken)Cindy - now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project.

Cindy: (spoken) You really don't have to do that.

Holly: (spoken) I know. That's what makes me so nice! (SUNG- SONG FROM WICKED MUSICAL) Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I. (And let's face it - who isn't less fortunate than I?) My tender heart tends to start to bleed and when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over. I know I know exactly what they need. and even in your case, Tho' it's the tougheest case I've yet to face, Don't worry. I'm determined to succeed. Follow my lead, and yes, indeed, you will be: Popular! You're gonna be popular! I'll teach you the proper ploys when you tlka to boys. Little ways to flirt and flounce. I'll show you what shoes to wear, How to fix your hair, Everything that really count.

To be popular, I'll help you be popular! You'll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports, Know the slang you've got to know. So let's start 'Cause you've got an awful long way to go:

Don't be offended by my frank analysis. Think of it as personality dialysis. Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sister and adviser There's nobody wiser. Not when it come to popular - I know about popular. And with an assist from me, to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who-you-were:

There's nothing that can stop you from becoming popular: La La LA LA LA We're gonna make you popular.

(CINDY RUNS OFF BACKSTAGE)

When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features I remind them on their own behalf to think of Celebrated heads of state of specially great communicators. Did they have brains or knowledge? Don't make me luahg! They were popular! Please - It's all about popular! It's not about aptitude, It's the way you're viewed, So it's very shrewd to be, Very Very popular Like Me!

(CINDY RUNS BACK ON STAGE, BEAUTIFUL GOWN, FLOWING BROWN HAIR)

Holly: (spoken) Why, Cindy, look at you. You're beautiful.

Cindy: (spoken) I - I have to go! (CINDY RUNS OFF)

Holly: (spoken) Well, be back home by midnight! (sung) And though you protest your disinterest. I know clandestinely, You're gonna grin and bear it, Your new found popularity. LA la la la. You'll be popular - Just not quite as popular as me!

(DIM LIGHTS AND CLOSE CURTAIN)

(OPEN CURTAIN TO REVEAL WINTERBALL. RANDOM GIRLS DANCING WITH RANDOM GUYS. ADAM HILSTON IN CORNER SURROUNDED BY GIRLS, BUT HE DOES NOT SEEM TO WANT TO DANCE WITH ANY OF THEM)

DJ: (over intercom) Ok kids, this is the last song for this year's winter ball so grab a hold of that person that you've neem eye'n for the whole night and shake it up with 'em.

(ALL THE GIRLS RUSH TO ADAM)

(CINDY WALK IN VERY TIMIDLY)

Adam: (SEEING HER AND RUSHED OVER, GRABBING HER HAND) Would you like to dance?

Cindy: Sure!

Adam: Let's go!

(ADAM AND CINDY BEGIN TO DANGE AND STARE DEEP INTO EACH OTHERS EYES WHILE SISTERS AND CALLIE, WHO ARE IN ANOTHER CORNER, BICKER)

Ella: Why is he dancing with her?

Anna: I don't know. We were sooooo nice to him!

Callie Who is that no good loser anyway?

Ella: It's nobody that I've seen before.

Anna: Maybe she's an alien dressed as a human.

Callie: Hey moron, maybe she's not!

(SONG ENDS)

DJ: Hey, thanks for coming. And remember, if you need a DJ for your school, be sure to call J.J. Jamal's DJ service. Have a good night!

Cindy: I have to go.

Adam: Hey, wait, I don't even kow your name!

Cindy: I have to go. (RUNS OFF STAGE, LEAVING ONE SHOE BEHIND)

Adam: (PICKING UP SHOE) Wait!

(LIGHTS FADE)

(LIGHTS BRIGTHEN FOR NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL)

(GIRLS OF ALL SHAPES, SIZES, AND DISGUSTING HABITS ARE LINED UP IN FRONT OF A TABLE TO TRY ON THE SHOE.)

Girl 1: Oh, it's most definitely my show!

(PUTS HER FOOT UP ON CHAIR TO REVEAL IT BEING COVERED BY CAST)

Adam: Do I look stupid?

Girl 1: (TIMIDLY) Am I supposed to answer that?

Adam: Next! (GIRL 1 RUNS OFF SAD, HOBBLING)

(ADAM GOES TO PUT ON THE SHOE)

Girl 2: (SCREAMS) Don't... I just can't do it. I wasn't even at the ball. I was at home playing with my Barbies. I'm so sorry. (GOES BALLING OFF STAGE)

(ANNA RUNS IN)

Anna: Oh honey, don't your worry. Anna's here! (GOES AND TACKLES ADAM)

Adam: Get off of me you big hunk of lard!

(CINDY WALK BY)

Adam: Wait! Do you want to try on the shoe?

Anna: Oh no, she doesn't want to try it on. She wasn't even at the ball. Plus, why would you waste your time with her when you can have as much of me as you want!

Cindy: I'd love to!

(CINDY SITS, ANNA PULLS CINDY AWAY ABOUT 3X, AND FINALLY FALLS BACKWARDS OFFSTAGE AND ADAM SLIPS SHOE ON)

Adam: (DROPPING TO ONE KNEE) Do you want to be....my girlfriend!

Cindy: Oh, I do!

("MY GIRL" BEGINS PLAYING - THE TWO DANCE)

(LIGHTS DIM, CURTAINS CLOSE. MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY AS SCENE CHANGES TO PSYCH WARD)

(LIGHTS ON)

Anna: (TWITCHING HER EYE) You...see. That little brat never even gave me a chance at him. (SHAKES VIOLENTLY FOR TRANSITION TO CLIVE, NOW TALKS IN DEEP VOICE) I say we go and hold him up, take all his money, then gets our rears outta town before the sheriff gits us. (VIOLENT SHAKES TO DOLLY, NOW TALK IN SQUEAKY VOICE) NOOOOOOOOO!!! That would be scary, oh so scary, and I don't wanna!!! WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (SHE SHAKES VIOLENTLY TO THE GROUND IN FRONT OF CHARACTERS, NOW TALKING IN REGULAR ANNA VOICE) See doc....now their loose, and you gotta help......ME!

Grimm: I....I see we have a serious case here.

Pinocchio: (SarCASTICALLY) Well tickle my big, nosed nostrils and step on the ginger bread man, she sees we have a serious case here!

Gretel: (GETTING UP AND RUNNING AROUND STAGE LOOKING AROUND AND PICKING UP CHAIR, SCREAMING) Did someone say gingerbread? GINGERBREAD!?! I love gingerbread, where is it..... Gingerbread man, get in my belly!! (CONTINUES FRANTIC SEARCH AROUND STAGE)

Snow White: (GETTING PUSHED BY GRETEL, FALLS TOO CLOSE TO WOLF, RIPS OUT HER HANKY TO SNEEZE, AND HANKY FALLS AND GETS STUCK ON WOLF'S BACK) HACHOOOOOO!!! Oh no, what have I done! HACHOOOOOOOO!!!

Wolf: (SCARED OUT OF HIS MIND) AAAAHHH! Get it off! Get this horrid thing off me, it burns me, I can feel it. Oh hideous world, I'm dying, I'm DYING!

Sleeping Beauty: (TO CROWD) How am I supposed to ever get any sleep in a place like this! (SLEEPING BEAUTY RUNS TO GRIMM, ANNA FALLS TO FLOOR IN FRONT OF DR. GRIMM) Do something Doc! You must stop them!

Grimm: Do something?........(GETS CRAZY) DO SOMETHING! I can't do anything! I work the fron desk here at the hospital. I was told yesterday that I was going to be handling a bunch of lunatics that thought THEY WERE FAIRY TALE CREATURES! (EVERYONE STOPS EVERYTHING, SILENCE)

Omnes: (TALKING TO CROWD, EACH OTHER, BUT NOT GRIMM) Did she just say that we weren't fairy tale creatures!? (DUMBFOUNDED) No way. That's complete lunacy. We've got to be, how else would we know all these things. (MURMURS FROM ALL)

Anna: (QUICK SHAKE) Nothing's happening. (QUICK SHAKE) They're not coming. (QUICK SHAKE) Where did they go? I gotta find them. (RUNS OFF STAGE, PAST AUDIENCE, OUT BACK DOORS)

Pinocchio: (A LITTLE SAD, BUT SMILES AT THE END) I suppose my nose will always be fairly large anyway, it doesn't need to grow any more. I'm gonna go smell the worl with this great schnozzer.

Wolf: (HIS MASK FALLS TO THE FLOOR) Ahhhh! My face fell off. but red, HAHA! It doesn't burn anymore, my back.....(Takes hanky off back and wipes his face with it)......FEEEELSSS GOOOOD! Well, now that I'm not a wolf, I'm gonna go take a shower. (SCRATCHES) These fleas, the little buggers hurt! OW!

Snow White: I guess little men are really kinda cute. Um, I like their button noses and little cherry cheeks. He he! Bring on the shorties! (GOES RUNNING OFF STAGE)

Sleeping Beauty: (FELL ASLEEP DURING ALL PAST EXPLANATIONS) SNOOOORE! Snort! Snort! Snort!

Gretel: (WALKING OVER TO GRIMM) Are you telling me I'm just a fat woman? Are you telling me I never ate a house of gingerbread? I know I ate a house, maybe not that house, but I ate one! And I'm still fat..... but (PULLS OUT MIRROR) I'm a rather voluptous fat woman. Where did that boy with the big nose go, I don't think he's ever seen the whole me! (GOES FLOPPING OFF STAGE)

Grimm: Well, that was interesting. Considering I've never helped anybody, and I'm not even a psychiatrist. It was a good thing I never told them my story of how I used to wear a sea shell bra and have a fish tail under the sea. (BIG SMILE AND THINKING HARD, WALKS TO OTHER SIDE OF STAGE). But, it tunred out alright in the end. I didn't get any money from them for my services, but I did save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

(Lights Dim.)

THE END

*Coming soon - How we pulled this off with only the three of us and a few others* ;)

Intro to Work In Progress - Dead Cow Beach

Follow the old highway until you get to the hill with the old abandoned house at its summit (the one that everyone thinks is haunted). From there you'll want to look for the second dirt road on your right, the one before the bridge. If you've reached the bridge, you've just passed the road you should have turned on. Once on it, count exactly ten (or maybe twelve, which was it?) cattle guards while traveling down the road. Whether it is ten or twelve does not mater as much as whether or not you are counting them. When you've reached the spot where there's a deep turn in the road and a lightly laid two-wheels-width -road off to the side of it, you'll know this is where you need to be. It also helps that the new owners of the land so nicely put up a "No Motorized Vehicle" sign on the corner in big, bright orange. (it's quite easy to find the turn off now). On the two-wheels-width-road, you will drive a short diddy (yes, drive... you mustn't leave your adventure tools on the road) over the hill, and when you've broken the crest you will first notice the river below, winding and snaking, whipping and swirling across the wooded land. To your right you'll see rings of white rock from tribes of ancient times (Indians), long since moved on and, perhaps, long since left beautiful treasures to be dug up. As your mum or dad drives further on, you'll see on your left the High Cliffs with Rock City upon it (the city of ancient pillars of rock shaped like miniature skyscrapers). Further on, you might get a glimpse of the adventure to be had in the sandstone hills to the right, where the hills are falling into the river and exposing the animals long lost before. But as you get closer to the edge of the river, one thing will become quite clear. This place is not like any other you've ever seen. This place is full of adventures to be had, creatures to be fought, and challenges to be overcome. This place is mesmerizing. This place is magical. This PLACE is Dead Cow Beach!

Now why in the world would such a thrilling spot along the Sun River, located at the base of the Rocky Mountains, have such a horribly dreadful name? Well, if you've ever looked into the miracle of Africa, you would see that the giant mammal known as Loxodonta Africana, or more commonly referred to as the African Elephant, has a very mysterious ritual when it comes to the end of its life. The elephant leaves all the others that it has lived its long days with here on Earth, and goes to the place of its ancestors. Its instincts take it sometimes many miles to a land where only the dying elephants go. There they sit and let the inevitable take hold of them. There they join their grandfathers and grandmothers that passed away before them. Dead Cow Beach is the Elephant Graveyard of Montana, except that instead of elephants, we have a much smaller creature that is slightly less exotic to us all. We have the dying grounds of the Ungulates Bovidae, the modern cow.

Don't get too excited! It's only common to see one skeleton of a cow during the trip, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, you'll find three or four. It's quite a sight! They'll all be in different stages of deterioration. Some will be completely skeletal! Some will have little pieces of fur and flesh still hanging from the bones! Some will have meat over most of the innards! Some, if your lucky, will even be freshly dead (these are the ones to set your tent far from, however, because they tend to be the least suitable for sleeping by). But the excitement of the dead cows quickly passes when you realize the giant feat of figuring out what you're going to do next. Maybe you'll run to the river and cross it barefoot, rubbing your soles against the souls of the rounded rollers beneath. Slimy and slippery, they make the task both hard and exhilarating at the same time. Once across, you'll look back over to the other side and be amazed that you actually made it through the waist high current that you see rushing by. But you did make it across, and now you see that you have the world in your hands, the world according to Dead Cow Beach.

Second Childhood Adventure - Me~12 yrs. - Robert~12 yrs.

Both of the two Childhood Adventures are only two stories from a children's book I'm working on. Please feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think. There's lots more...but these are two little blurbs I thought would be good for the class. -Chris

First one was my sister and I digging through Fossils.
This one is my friend and I snorkeling down the Sun River. (He walked half the time because he was too cold).
It may be a surprise that the two stories piece together, but they do.


"Mermaid Depths"

I am Jaques Pleasteua.... ze famous underwater diving explorer. It is my duty to explore every inch of zis rivair, and every inch I will. I have floated many miles down ze rivair, and during zis time I have seen a native following me, sticking his head in and out of the bushais as I go.
He looks friendly, but a little on the funny side wiz his big shorts and goofy sandal looking feet. I tried to ignore him as I discovered ze beautiful big rocks, ze beautiful slimey slimes, ze little canyons below the dark depths of ze raging river....but I couldn't. He continued to follow me.
As I floated, uncomfortable because I was being followed by zis crazy native man, I noticed a shack on ze side of ze river. It looked like it was made from ze logs and sticks of ze trees zat it stood below, and it was falling apart. I decided to seek cover from ze native man in zere. I ran out wiz my wet sandals and wet wetness, ran past the rotting boat that sat to the left of the shack, and popped into the shack.
I had to almost walk at a squat because the roof was coming in. The native reached the shack.
"Chris, what are you doing in there?"
"Native, my nem is not Chris. I am Jacques Pleastueaeua, and I will not let you take me!"
"Ok, well, are we going to keep going down the river Chris, or are we going back yet?"
"I will not give up, I never give up! Native boy, if you want to join me zen jump in ze rivair and let us finish around ze next bend. Will you swim or will you not?"
"Um, yeah...I'll swim a little longer, but then we go back to the beach, ok?"
"As long as I can complete my misshown, I will return wherever wiz you."
And wiz zat we jumped back into ze water, and even zough we floated fairly fast, boz of us were quite cold, so we swam faster and faster.
As we turned ze next bend, it became quite clear zat zis part of the river was much different zan ze rest. It opened up into a giant pool. Boz ze Native and I stopped moving wiz ze water.
To ze right was a high hill zat hid this little pool from ze rest of the world, and to ze left was a fence, running perpendicular to ze river, zat ran straight into ze river, disappearing into its depths. Was zere a use for ze fence below ze surface of ze rivair?
"Have ya looked below da water here, Jacques?"
"No, boy, what is zere?"
"Look."
And as I did, it was what I couldn't see zat surprised me ze most. I couldn't see ze bottom of ze river! What I could see was formation after formation. Big rocks, or maybe it was all one rock, I couldn't tell. It looked like a little city beneaz ze waters. Big towers, tunnels, shapes of all types, and everything wiz smooz edges. It was so dark, but zere were so many windows in the big rocks zat I searched and searched for zat merman or mermaid to pop it head out. Zen ze Native spoke.
"I'm gonna explore," was all he said before he disappeared into ze depths. As I watched him, I came to discover zat ze Native who had followed me all along was not a normal Native... no. As he swam in and out of the windows of the rounded towers, I saw zat zis was where he belonged. From high up, as he swam fast through ze dark, I saw his sandals become his tail and his shorts become his scales, and he became ze creature I had been looking for all along.

First of Two Childhood Adventures - Me~9 yrs. - Sister~6 yrs.

“Treasures Beneath Our Feet”

Walk fifty paces to the right of Dead Cow Beach and you'll find yourself staring up hundreds of feet of sandstone rocks . Climbing up the sandstone on this very steep hill can be quite fun, navigating your way over the loose stones, finding your footing where it shouldn’t be. Yet it is the exhilaration of discovering what lies beneath one of these overturned shards that becomes the true adventure.

The fossils are the treasure, and we become the pirates.

“A Vast, ye land lubbin’ scaly wag! Where be ye booty!?” We yell as we turn over stone after stone. My little sister wonderfully plays the part of Smee (Captain Hook’s sidekick in Peter Pan) while I play the all-knowing evil Hook himself.

“Ay, captain! I think I got sometin’!” She yells to me from below. I turn to look and a melon sized slate stone that was, one second ago, below my foot starts to crash down the hill towards her.

“OH!” I yell, because it’s all that can come out with the excitement of her discovery and the fear of this stone clobbering my lil’ Smee!

But it smashes into two after its initial bounce down the hill and continues to break and break and break and break until it’s a million little pebbles when it reaches the water below us.

I grasped tightly, with shivering fingers, the stones beneath me, while, oblivious to anything scary at all, my sister still worked to flip her giant discovery over. I carefully moved to my left then slowly, softly, slipped down the hill until I was parallel with her.

“What ya got beneath that there stoney stone rock?” I ask, still slightly shaken by the thought of what could have happened.

“No know, help me see.” So I try to wiggle my fingers in with hers to flip it over. For flipping it over was half the work of diggin’ for treasure. If ever want to become a most accomplished boney treasure hunter like my Smee and I, you must remember that it’s flipping the big, hard rock over that usually gets you the best treasures .

“K Smee, when I say heave you say ho and we pull!”

“K….”

“Heave!”

“ HoooOOOOEEEEWWRRRR!!” We yelled together as we pulled it up, flipped it over, and broke the giant sandstone in half. I had to quickly catch my footing again because it was I who did most of the flipping and as soon as the rock was turned, I began to slide down the hill.

Smee stood next to the rock (above it actually, which made me wonder if she helped pull the rock up at all). She was examining its shattered remains as I came up to her.

“A lubly spessy man Capn’!”

“Ay, that it is! That it is…” I said as I looked at the little half-inch Trilobite that lay perfectly preserved on the large half of the broken sandstone rock.

Class 304 - Friday, December 05

-A beautiful presentation, given by group 1 about their meanings and interpretations on what the OZ meant to them.

-They spoke of Frank Baum, Copyright Infringements in Russia, and Emerald City Origins. They spoke of the meaning of the emerald city, the architecture, real world cities like the Chicago Fair or Seattle or Toronto. They spoke of Jacques Derrida and other meanings of what the Yellow Brick Road could mean through deconstruction..

-They talked about Ligers, Leopons (cool!), and Zorses and such.

-They had the most amazing video features!

Next:

-Truly, a real life oz in Bozeman!

-Women in the strip club.... man who lost his children and wife..... a bouncer who's shy with women.....woman who wants to go to school.... dorothy and toto become crack heads in vegas.

-The reporter is Oz.

- Galinda, who now owns the Ruby slip, sends Dorothy and Toto home.

-Poppy fields.

-Don't take off your ruby slippers or the bad witch will get you.

Something Wrong With That Last Blog!

I don't know what it was, but the blog was supposed to be nicely formatted. Sorry about that! But there is some nice info in there, so if you get the chance sort through it. ;)

Wednesday the 26th of November

-Allegory of the Cave and Metaphore of the Shadow.... revisited after His Dark Materials....what is dust? Presentations Taylor -All The Skins of Life: Erotic connections between Animals, Humans, and other forms of Life. -Alania - woman who puts on snake skin and seduces her men. Inspire fear. -Why are these powerful creatures put into fairy tales and slightly disregarded? Adults are frightened of this connection. Strange and exotic, and union between familiar and exotic. A symbol of the fragmented conscience, and we have a connection with it that takes us from comfort. -Children see that you can fall in love with an animal and not be perverse and be perfectly normal. -Adults shun this off as taboo. (i.e. Beauty and the Beast) -Can humans ever really be separated from the animals? No, nothing separates us except for our own fallacies, our own want to be fully human. Hannah -Relationship of the adult to the children they write it for. -When you are adult, how do you write stories that appeal to the child you once were? -Lewis Carroll - never was a grown man. -Carroll wasn't real name, and he wanted to stay child, so picked the Carroll name. -Someone once defined adult as depressed child. -"Did a good job of keeping portal open between childhood and adulthood." -Puer - the eternal youth - Peter Pan Syndrome - Jill said (while sitting next to me) - "I think Carroll had a lot in common with Michael Jackson." I thought this to be funny Sadie -Curious Characters - Curiosity is main character - essential to moving story forward -Psyche indulges and we can not help but egg (ag?) her on. -Psyche (the soul) falls in love with Love, Cupid. -Is there such thing as to much curiosity? -Perault and Bluebeard - Is that story really for children? -The Golden Key that reveals the dead wives, the curiosity to see what key is what drives the story onward and drives it home. Jesse -Pictures -To little description to see what is all there, or too much to remember. -How can a children's book be written so it is all available to the person only reading? It's not, you NEED pictures, especially in Alice in Wonderland. You just can not do it with words. -Wasp in the Wig was deleted because John Tenniel did not want to draw it! ;) -Fairy Tale book - There are a lot of Beasts from B+B, Giant in Jack and Bean Stalk, Puss in Boots, and Rumplestiltskin. -Lyra's Alethiometer has pictures that lead her to truth. -Jesse's body is a metatattoo... he has tattoos with tatoos. -MS says "get ahold of" The Castle of Crossed Destinies (people who can only speak through Tarot Cards) Ronnie -The power of literacy and what gives it powers? -Allows us to put the world in a box -Looked into history of America, focused on a novel by Greensblad -Frederick Douglas, when he discovers what literacy means, he discovered that literacy was his pathway to freedom, it was what allowed the white man to enslave the black. -A Child's Book is it's pathway to freedom as well. -Lyra get's much more power and insight than anyone else in the novel because she has the ability to "read" the alitheometer, but she is also held in by this power too. It is her destiny. -Those who give us knowledge have a purpose for sharing it, but a book gives us the power to take the knowledge for the purposes we make. John -Wednesday the 3rd of December (7-9PM) in Lynnfield 125, John is performing in a Shephard's Pageant, FREE. -Focused on Willing Suspension of Disbelief. Imagination. This is theatre too. -Wants to put us all immersed in art. -MS spoke of a Shakespeare quote, "Imagination creates the best props for us all." Ben -Fee,Fie,Fo,Fum - Nine stories that incorporate cannabalism. -Little Red Riding Hood eats the Family -Snow White's Evil Step Mother -Giant in Jack -Juniper Tree -Vasalisa? -Many others! -Many of these Cannibals are Motherly Characters in the stories! The female! ;) -Juniper Tree and His Dark Materials show us some wonderful ways that Cannibalism can be highly symbolic and wonderful. -Jack and Tom Thumb willingly offer themselves to be eaten... -Juniper Tree and Snow White has the apple as the weapon... Garden of Eden displacement. -Belongs in children's literature because now they'll be prepared, especially in the unconscience realm. MS says, "Consume or be consumed" was how your childhood was. Communion, cannabalism! Kathleen -"The Slanted Truth" -Truth in Children's Lit. -Emily Dickenson's poem "To Tell The Truth" -Pullman's book does drip with amazing truth's. Do the kids no what they're reading? Yes, at their own level and deeper in their unconscience. They'll embrace the deeper meanings later on in life. Need truth in children's literature because it's the fun way to teach. Jill -John Lennon is children's literature. -Most of his songs deal with dreams, shadows, and mirror images. -Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and Walrus. (I think Imagine would fit here too.) -Revolution #9...like Talbot's book (inundated with words instead of pictures, however.) -#9 Dream... dreams as a portal, a connection to childhood. -"We can find meaning in nonsense." -Lennon in 64 and 65, published A Spaniard in The Works and In His Own Write. -Gave a child Revolver. Mother was totally upset because all about drugs, and Jill says NO! The child loves it because it is nonsense and we love nonsense. MS - Gould and Lennon (and John Cage) were amazing minds for the musical artistry that came from the 70s. Jabberwocky in Alice reminds me of something but I can't quite make out what it is. Nonsense has a structure that finds a common place in the minds of us all!

Wednesday before Thanksgiving - November 26, 2008

-Allegory of the Cave and Metaphore of the Shadow.... revisited after His Dark Materials....what is dust?


Presentations

Taylor
-All The Skins of Life: Erotic connections between Animals, Humans, and other forms of Life.
-

Raquel's Recital!

December 6th
Howard Hall
7:30 pm

She'll be playing the cello and it'll just be her! Let's get as many to go and support her as possible.

Our Class Today - Monday before Thanksgiving

-Can 12 year olds feel the emotions of an adult and does this change the impact of the end of the book?

Well, we've heard from some that the emotional response is not the same when you think that the book is about young kids who would end up breaking up anyway.

-"My friend doesn't like that Pullman wrote about Atheism and killing God," and what can we say about that. It is good that the Fake God killed at the end of the book is killed because he represents everything that the Christian God is not, i.e. stuborness, idology, greed, and other sin-type actions among other things.

-Original sin is required, not only to live a fulfilled life, but a life of knowledge, scholarly and complete.

-"His Dark Materials...ends like a lamentation of a loss... loss of childhood." Sadie. (I need to talk to her about my term paper in this class! Get who she was talking from here.)

-"Listen with a double ear, one that hears what he's saying, and one that hear's what could be said." -MS (correct me here if this is not correct)

-Sutter is full of interesting observations in his blog, we talked today about what Dust could be. Perhaps a connection with remembrance, experience, children. Lyra and Pan had decided that they never actually figured out if it is bad or not (by the end of the book).

- River Letha = bad ~ River Mnemosity = good

-Sam said, "How do you like dem apples?" (but she says that she never said this). And even though she never said this, it's true because it's the better response. Beauty is truth and truth is beauty. And that's all that matters.......? ;)

-Relations between Alice, Lyra, and Dorothy. The word "curious" is infinitely connected to "care". Curious-Curator-Museum-Muse-Mnemosity/Cure-Healed-Paying Precious Attention to Things

-Why no L.A.D (otherwise boy, comes from Lyra, Alice, and Dorothy) in the stories we focus on? "Because they don't read." -MS :) It is the women doing the curious things. Eve and the Forbidden Fruit, Alice, Lyra, Dorothy, and all the Old Fairy Tales. Histories written by men, and men like writing about women. :) (That's my thought)

-All wars have been fought by those who want us to know and those who want to keep us in tame, obedient nature. "Brothers Karimov" (AHHH, I can't spell!) ****Need to look up why the speech one brother gives to the other about being obedient.****

-MS does not believe that there is a certain age for certain materials. "Nonsense, you know what you should give them at the age of three? Shakespeare!" "Do not condescend to children" -Pullman. Give them good stuff from the very beginning. They may grow up a little bit odd, but odd is good in this world of Irony and Chaos (any child growing on Shakespeare should not be worried about falling into the realms of Chaotic speech, saying things like, "LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME DUDE!" Maybe this is our way to pull our society back from these depths!)

-Acrostics make very good poem beginnings. ;) (I need to check for the words used by Sutter that MS spoke. What were those words from?)

-pg. 864, The Page in which the dead are starting to come out of an opening made by the subtle knife. Mary gets out of her world into other worlds, and develops through out this journey. She was the one who could make the Amber Spyglass because of this transformation. Mary had never seen so much joy. ***Mary was not a child, but still became transformed.*** Mary said, "Tell them stories, they need the truth."

-Truth can only come through stories. "Whether it's the Bozeman Chronicle or the Bible, they are all stories. They all come through humans, they are put in human language, and they are all literature." -MS

-*Poems of T.S. Elliot, look at my past posts for my "Term Paper Topic" if you want the entire passage from the Four Quartets, Little Gidding, pt. 5 that he read in class. These lines speak many truths.

-Dame Francis Yeats, she is the one who introduced us to the Alethiometer. "To set out to do consiously what you can only do by intuition."

-You can travel by imagination. It is not making up or pretending, but just another form of seeing. This is much harder than pretend. pg. 912 in His Dark Materials. **Good for Apolopgy!**

-Shakespeare's Tempest - He soaks the books in the end. Magician loses his powers.

**Big thought - You must put away these tools that get you where you are, and look around at where you are and what you must do now. That magic doesn't last forever!**

YOU NEED TO DO IT WITHOUT THE FEATHER, BECAUSE THEN THE BURDEN IS PUT ON YOU TO BE WHERE YOU ARE, AND LIVE WHERE YOU ARE.

Blake says this, "Be here now."

The only paradise you'll ever know is going out that door, going into the November weather and walking across MSU. Love it, for it is what you have. The world is what you make it. This is why they lose their pieces in the end. This is why Pullman must end the book the way he does.

What dream am I?

There are some amazing quizes on Quizilla, and it would be interestin to see how people determined the outcome to these (because they are people made). I took one that was "What Dream Are You" and it gave me this:

a soft hand caresses your face. The one you love holds you to their breast. passion flows through your veins, warming you, lifting you high above this world. hate is unknown in this world of pure love. Adoration shows on your loved one's face as they look into your eyes. Calm, beauty surround you. Everything blends into soft hues vibrating with beautiful emotion...


I could definitely live with that feeling every night. ;)

I don't like horses very much... but I'd like to be a Centaur!

What Fantasy Creature Are You?

I'm a centaur!
If you like horses more than most people, it's probably because your inner fantasy creature is half horse. (The other half is human, if you're wondering.) According to ancient myths, centaurs are noble, brave, and intelligent, but at times, they can also be savage and wild. Some stories suggest that centaurs can predict the future, so you might have a sixth sense about when good or bad things are headed your way. You're part horse, part human, and part psychic! Judging by the picture on your badge, it's a pretty hot combination.

My Real Life Daemon....Tug!

My Daemon.... The Results from Quizilla

EAGLE or HAWK - your daemon may be some kind of bird of prey. Yours is a strong spirit, and a fierce sense of liberty. You cannot be confined. You may be shrewdly observant, and like to be aware of everything that goes on around you. You will fight fiercely for the things that are most important to you, and you are definitely a force to be reckoned with. Still, you are not vicious by nature and would prefer to be left in peace. You probably value your solitude very highly - not that you don't enjoy company, but sometimes you just need to be alone - otherwise you begin to feel caged in and confined. You might want to take a drive on your own, just to feel the road beneath you, or to sit alone on your balcony, watching the world go by.

I think it fit me nicely....not 100%, but nicely.

My Interesting Enough Dream...Snippets/Snapshots/Remembrances

*I performed on stage singing, they loved it, then these girls rocked hard and the crowd went even crazier for them (they were girls from the MSU English Department).

*. It was in an open air stage. Hundreds of people from MSU, my hometown of Fairfield, MT, and my family were there, in the middle of Hawaii. But there were still lots of peope all around. The alcohol table at the back was out of plastic cups.

*Some old woman, from my hometown, that I didn't know, came up and said I must have been so hot when I graduated from High School. I looked back at her, amazed, and said, "Why not now, it was only four years ago?" She was old, wearing a red football jersey, and I was supposed to know her. She seemed drunk.

*My granparents were there. They walked from the Big Hawaiian stage to some master bedroom in the back of the stage. I followed them and their dog. (In real life, they don't have a dog, but this was real for me then, so maybe they do have a dog).

*At first, their dog looked a little fuzzy, and grey. But as we traveled to this hidden bedroom, he had somehow changed into a rare armadillo dog. My granparents and I talk about how professionals said they've evolved out of full ball ability, but as they were talking about it I watched the little mut curl into a ball. They missed it completely.

*I somehow returned to the stage, but it was no longer in Hawaii. It had become a giant stadium full of even more people than before. It was colossul. 

* I remember the music of Elvis Costello and Johnny cash floating around me.

*My mom, dad, and I had to leave before everyone else got out. There were so many people!

*Felt rushed! But my father and I were carrying balloons, too many! We were taken away by the balloons, past giant collums that held up the roof of the huge stadium and luckily my dad had the genius idea of popping the balloons with his cocktail sword. He popped some of mine and I floated down slowly, but lost sight of my father on the way.

*Mom was never seen again in the dream, but I did not acknowledge this, because it was dad and I in trouble.

*I got to the ground and saw that my dad had somehow beat me down to land before me. I saw that he had tears in his eyes (must have popped one too many balloons) but he would not admit being in pain or misery.

*We got to the exit of the stadium, but it was not normal exit. It looked as if we were leaving the walls of an ancient castle, about to pass over the moat into the world beyond, and two gaurds in garbs of old were gaurding our way. We had to take them out!

*My dad once again used the cocktail sword. He stuck the first one in the chest, then the other tried to save him, and we stuck him in the neck.

*My dad took one into the ancient bathroom to dispose of him and his weapon. he came out and said that one had been taken care of in the best way possible. 

*So, passing into the thick castle-like walls, I went into the bathroom with the gaurd whose disposal was my task, and saw that the bathroom was simply a small room with a hole in the ground, metal grate covering it. The hole was walled with stones, and there was some type of metal pan a little ways down.

*I could see the axe of my dad's man just below the metal pan.

*I saw a hatchet by the hole in the ground.

*I dropped the man down through the grate without even thinking about it, he was just gone. Then i took time to chop up his axe with my hatchet. and helped my father's man's axe be hidden better from sight.

*I took too long! Someone outside had opened the castle gates and was now trying to break down the door. I saw that the little hangin hook, that so many bathroom doors have, to lock it was dangling free. I quickly tried to latch it while the door was being fiercely pounded against, and I woke up.

This dream left me with terribly mixed feelings. I was neither sad nor happy, I was just there. I was surely thankful that I was laying in my bed when I woke up, but that world was interesting enough to go back to again someday. Maybe. It was not my favorite place, but it was interesting enough.