Candy, Crimson, and Crybabies

A play I wrote in High School that I thought would make for a perfect last blog to the class. I do have a recording of the performance on DVD (which contains a lot of men in women's outfits, quite hilarious) but the sound is shotty. Brief explanation of the original plan for this: We went for Hansel and Gretel with a Shakespeare Twist, Little Red Riding Hood with a gangster twist, and Cinderella the Musical. The crazy displacements are quite funny (considering I didn't even know what displacement was when I wrote this! ;). With that, please enjoy!

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Candy, Crimson, and Crybabies

A play written by: Chris Clark, Brian Mitchell, and Blake Stemen

Performance, Directed, and Produced by: Chris Clark, Brian Mitchell, and Blake Stemen

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(Curtain Opens, Lights Brighten)

(Reveal a psych ward group (Left to Right): Sleeping Beauty, Anna, Gretel, Dr. Grimm, Wolf, Snow White, and Pinocchio)

Dr. Grimm: Good morning, group. My name is Dr. Vera Grimm. I'll be filling in for your regular psychiatrist, Dr. A. Sop. Well, how is erveryone today?

(Silence - Cue Cricket Noise)

Dr. Grimm: That won't do. Let's try again. How is everyone today?

(Silence - Cue Cricket Noise)

Dr. Grimm: Well, we'll work on that later. As you can see, we have some newcomers here today, so let's have our old friends tell our new friends why they're here. Then we'll have the new friend's tell their story. You, the white one.... please, go on.

Snow White: Um, hello, I'm Snow White. And I am a microsociaphobe. Yes, I'm afraid of small people.

Grimm: How are things going for you?

White: Well, yesterday I saw, like, seven dwarves, and I didn't even scream. But is it a bad thing I flinched and nearly fainted?

Grimm: Yes.

White: Oh, shoot.

Grimm: Next...

Pinocchio: I'm Pinocchio, and the docs put me in here because I've become a compulsive liar. I don't like to lie, it's just... (STARTS SOBBING) my nose won't grow when I lie. (CONTINUES TO SOB LOUDLY) I just can't take it anymore! I'm a mighty nija warrior...nada! I'm a Malibu Barbie...I'm three hundred and fifty pounds...nothin! Absolutely NOTHIN'!

Grimm: (SYMPATHETICALLY) Patience, my poor Pinocchio... It'll be O.K.... what about you, dear?

Sleeping Beauty: (SNOBBISHLY) I'm Sleeping Beauty. I'm an insomniac. And... I'm...sleepy. So...sleepy. I'm always sleepy. I love sleeping, and I used to do it so much, but now.... arrrggghhhhh!

Grimm: Calm down...you'll be alright. (SLEEPING BEAUTY TWITCHES A COUPLE TIMES. GRIMM BUMPS HER HEAD WITH HER PALM AND SLEEPING BEAUTY FALLS INTO A DEEP SLEEP) Ah, the power of hypnosis. Thank you all for sharing your stories. Now, let's have our newcomers introduce themselves and open to us their unfortunate minds.

Gretel: Well, my name is Gretel and I am a compulsive eater. But I'm getting better! I have resisted the urge to inhale all the food within a seven mile radius three days in the past week.

Grimm: What about the other four days?

Gretel: (ANGRILY) Hey, I'm trying my hardest.

(LIGHTS DIM AND SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON GRIMM AND GRETEL. OTHERS SNEAK OFF STAGE TO GET READY.)

Grimm: Gretel, let's go into this. What makes you want to eat so much food?

Gretel: Well, you see it started a long time ago. I must have been around the age of 12. My father had just married a new woman. She absolutely hated my brother and me.

(TWINKLY MUSIC TO SHOW TRANSTITION TO HANSEL AND GRETEL. DARKNESS AS NARRATOR COMES OVER SPEAKERS)

Narrator: There once lived a poor woodcutter and his wife. The woodcutter had two children who were the light of his life. Their names were Hansel and Gretel. The woodcutter's wife was their stepmother.

Times were hard, and the woodcutter was barely able to support his family. One day, the woodcutter said to his wife, "What shall become of us? We can no longer afford to feed ourselvex and the children."

His wife siad, "Tomorrow, take the children into the woods to help you cut wood. On the way, leave them in a clearing while you go on ahead to chop wood. Take another path home. They won't be able to find their way out of the forest." As you might have guessed, this woman hated her stepchildren and wanted their father all to herself.

"No, Lucinda," said the woodcutter to his wife, "I cannot do that. How can I bear to leave my children alone in the forest? The wild animals would come and tear them to pieces."

"Oh, you fool," said Lucinda, "then all four of us must die of hunger, and you may as well cut the wood for our coffins." She gave him no peace until he agreed that two deaths were better than four. But still, he could not bring himself to lead his only children to their demise. Finally, Lucinda decided that she would lead Hansel and Gretel into the woods.

The woodcutter could not be consoled. "I would rather I starved to spare my children," he lamented. But his wife was insistent, and finally he gave in.

The two children had overheard the converstations.

Gretel wept bitter tears, and said to Hansel, "What can we do? All is lost for us."

"Be quie, Gretel," said Hansel. "Don't worry. I will find a way to get us out of this. Be comforted, dear sister. God will not forsake us."

When the next day dawned, the woman came and awoke the two children, saying, "Get up, you sluggards! You two and I are going into the forest to fetch some berries." She gave each a little piece of bread, and said, "Here is something for your dinner, but do not eat it up before nightfall, for you will get nothing else." And so, Hansel and Gretel set off on their journey into the woods, leaving their sorrowful father behind.

(Open Curtains)

(ENTER HANSEL, GRETEL, AND STEPMOTHER. AS LINES ARE SPOKEN, CHARACTERS CIRCLE SET ONCE, three trees, AND COME TO STOP IN CLEARING.)

Hansel: Oh, stepmother, where are we at?

Stepmother: Thou art in the darkest and dreadfullest part of the wood.

Gretel: (WHINY VOICE) O, Stepmother, when will we stoppith? My legs are sooo sore.

Stepmother: (EXASPERATED) Must thou whine all the time, Gretel?

Gretel: Of course. How else will I get my way?

Hansel: Maybe, you could ask nicely.

Gretel: O, silence thy tongue, brother Hansel. Please, Stepmother, can't we stop soon?

Stepmother: No, not yet. We chall reach a safer place in mere minutes.

Gretel: Please! My leags feel liketh they shall fall off if I take another step.

Hansel: Stepmother, please let us stop so that Gretel will stop her bloody whining!

Stepmother: (FRUSTRATED) Fine! Thou can stoppith here. I must go on ahead to picketh some berries. (EXIT STEPMOTHER)

Hansel: (STARTS TO SNIFFLE) O, how are we to get out of this most vile of forests?

Gretel: I do not know, my dear brother.

Hansel/Gretel: (TOGETHER) O woe, o woe, we are so troubled we are speaking in unison!

(PAUSE)

Gretel: Wait. Didn'tst thou dropeth the bread crumbs, as we discussed, to mark our trail?

Hansel: (GUILTILY) No, I ate them back near the old oak tree.

Gretel: (YELLING) Though ateth the bread!? The same bread that was goin to save us!?

Hansel: Well...yes. My stomach started to make such an unholy racket.

Gretel: (DISGUSTED) Thou art more of a dolt then I had ever thought possible. What now are we to do? O woe is me to have a brother such as thee.

Hansel: Let us walk on.

Gretel: Fine. Let's go. (LOUDLY ASIDE) You crumb-eating dolt!

(HANSEL AND GRETEL BEGIN TO WALK. THEY WALK OFF STAGE. BLACK OUT. THEY COME BACK ONTO STAGE, LIGHTS ON, AND LOOK ACROSS TO SEE A HOUSE MADE OF GINGERBREAD.)

Hansel: Look dear sister. Do my eyes deceive me or is that a hut down in that valley.

Gretel: (CRUELLY) I am so glad that your eyes wish to help us. Now, if only your stomach were as cooperative as that.

Hansel: I am sorry, dear sister. My hunger overpowered me. Let us just enter this gingerbread hut. Maybe there's food in there.

Gretel: (YELLING) Of course there's food in there. It's made of gingerbread. It is food!

(HANSEL AND GRETEL TIP-TOE ACROSS STAGE AND LOOK IN)

Hansel: No one seemest to be home.

Gretel: (SARCCASTICALLY) Duh!

(THEY LOOK AROUND. SUDDENLY, WITCH, looking very similar to stepmother, COME SLIDING ONSTAGE ON SCOOTER/BROOM AND JUMPS OFF AS IT GOES CRASHING OFF STAGE. CACKLES AS SHE GOES)

Witch: Well, hello, my dears. What doth thou thinketh thou art doing in my humble hut?

Hansel: We are so sorry, good lady. My sister and I are lost in the forest. We saw thy home and we have no food or drink. Could thou help us?

Witch: (PICNHING ARMS OF CHILDREN) You two are so thin. Thou needest food; that much is certain.

Gretel: Where could we buy some food?

Witch: You can't. 'Tis impossible.

Gretel: Then where can we get some food? Could you make us something?

Witch: Well...

Gretel: (GRABS HOLD OF WITCH) OH PLEASE, PLEASE make us something. I am SSSOOO hungry.

Witch: You push to hard, darlings. But, eh, what the heck. I can make many sweets that you might like. They will fill and fatten you up wuite nicely. Follow me around back to the dunge...um garden. That's right, my candy garden. We'll pick something out that you'll like.

(KIDS FOLLOW WITCH ACROSS STAGE)

Witch: What would thee like? It can be anything. Sweet, sour, bitter, salty, hot, cold. If you name it, I can make it.

Hansel: Really? Could thou make a nice chocoalte cake?

Witch: Mmmm, delicious.

Gretel: That sounds great, but could we get some carrots or maybe something like a nice low-fat (WITCH WINCES) bowl of yogurt.

Witch: Ugh, no yogurt.

Hansel: Didn't thou say it was our decision?

Witch: Yes, but no yogurt.

Hansel: Why not?

Witch: 'Tis too healthy. Not enough sugar, cholesterol, or calories for growing children. And worst of all, it's (SOBS) LOW-FAT. (WEEPS PATHETICALLY, THEN PERKS UP)

Gretel: How about...milk?

Witch: Ice Cream!

Hansel: An apple?

Witch: In a pie!

Gretel: That would be wonderful. O thank thee, dear lady. We were so hungry we could've eaten each other.

Witch: (EVILY) Hmmm. What a delicious idea! (DRAGS CHILDREN OFF STAGE BY THEIR EARS)

(LIGHTS DIM OFF, AND THEN BRIGHTEN, REVEALING HANSEL AND GRETEL IN THE CAGE EATING RANDOM CANDY, SADLY)

Hansel: Don't you think that our captor, the Witch, looks a lot like our stepmother?

Gretel: Yes, but why would our stepmother do such a thing?

Hansel: She hates us. Didn't you hear her tell our father to take us into the forest and leave us?

Gretel: OK. She does hate us, but she couldn't hate us that much, could she? What did we ever doeth to her?

Hansel: I don't know, but we better find a way to get out of here. If we don't, she is going to eat us.

Gretel: Well, what can we possibly do?

(CONTINUE ON INTO JEOPARDY THINKING SONG, BOTH DOING DO DO DOO'S OFF OF GRETEL'S LAST DO SHE SPEAKS)

Gretel: I've got it. These bars are made of black licorice. We could just eat our way out.

Hansel: First of all, we both hate black licorice. Secondly, even if we did like licorice, the witch could come in at any time and cook us on the spot.

Gretel: (ANGRILY) Fine! you come up with an idea to get us out of this awful kitchen!

Hansel: (PAUSES TO THINK) I've got it. The next time she lets me out to help her bake, I'll push her into the oven before she bakes us.

Gretel: We'll cook her, before she cooks us!

Witch: (FROM OFF STAGE) Children, it's snack time!

Hansel: Quiet now, we don't want her to suspect anything.

(WITCH ENTERS AND LETS HANSEL OUT OF THE CAGE)

Witch: Hello, my sweets. (GASPS) Hansel, you look so thin. We need to feed you some more food. Here, eat this gigantic chocolate cake. (GIVVES HANSEL FOOD. WALKS OFF)

Hansel: To eat or not to eat, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the stomach to suffer pains and gurgles of an empty tummy or to stuff myself with cake to quiet my hunger. To eat. To starve. To starve, perchance to die. Ay, there's the rub....(RUBS BELLY AND SMASHES CAKE INTO MOUTH)

Witch: (ENTERS) There's a good boy. (WALKS TO GRETEL, PINCHING GRETEL TO TEST FAT) My poor Gretel. You don't seem to be getting enough food. You are as skinny as the day you came here. Come, Hansel, help me cook more food so that I might feed thy sister. (LETS HANSEL OUT OF THE CAGE) Would you please look into the oven and tell me if it is hot enough.

Hansel: I do not know how to check. Tell me please, how can I test the temperature?

Witch: Oh, you dense little morsel. All thee must do is open the door liketh this (OPENS OFFSTAGE DOOR), stick thine head in liketh this (STICKS HEAD IN) and tell me if the fire is hot. (HANSEL BEGINS TO PUSH THE WITCH INTO THE OVEN) What? What? Hansel, what are you doing? Stop pushing me. 'Tis somewhat hot in here.

(HANSEL PUSHES WITH INTO STOVE WITH SOME DIFFICULTY)

Hansel: Goodbye, Stepmother.

(WITCH CAN BE HEARD OFF STAGE SCREAMING:)

Witch: Hansel, how could you? I'll get you my pretty and your little sister, too! (SCREAMING) I'm burning, I'm burning. Oh what a world, what a world, what a world!

Hansel: (APPROACHES CAGE AND SAYS MOCKINGLY) My word, you've gotten fat, Gretel.

Gretel: (YELLING) Just get me out of this cage.

Hansel: Why should I? All thou do'ist yell amd scream and whine like tis the end of the world.

Gretel: Please let me out, dear brother.

Hansel: (ANGRILY) No.

Gretel: But what am I to do in here all by myself? What will you do without me?

Hansel: Gretel, you're about as useful as a T-bone steak on a vegetarian menu. I do not need you to get me out of this vile forest. (BEGINS TO WALK OFF STAGE)

Gretel: You dolt, how art thee to find your way hometh without that evil witch? You have to let me out, I...um...know the way out of this evil forest. Our stepmother toldeth me how.

Hansel: Eateth thy way out, Gretel! Good bye sister! I hope to see you again when your tongue is not as sharp or venomous. (EXITS)

Gretel: (ATTEMPTING TO EAT THE BARS) Hansel, I am sorry. Please let me out. I liketh not the taste of these bars. They're black licorise. Please.....Hansel.... let me oooouuut!

(CLOSE CURTAINS, LIGHTS OFF)

Narrator: And Hansel lived happily ever after or at least until Gretel ate her way out. Once she did, she began to hunt down her dear brother Hansel. He escaped her wrath by moving to Barbados with his high school sweet heart, Olga. Thus, Gretel sunk into a deep depression.

(LIGHTS ON, PSYCH WARD AND CHAIRS ARE BACK)

Grimm: (CLUELESSLY) So why exactly did you start getting depressed?

Gretel: I got depressed because I ate and I ate because I was depressed.

Grimm: Ah, I see. Well, I really don't know what to tell you.

Gretel: But, I though you were a shrink.

Grimm: Yes, I am a shrink, but I shrink minds, not bodies. (GRETEL GASPS) Besides, you're such a special case, I don't think I am qualifeied to help you. (FLUSH, ANNA WALKS OUT WITH TOILET PAPER ON SHOE) Moving on, (SPEAKING TO WOLF) what about you, sir? What's your story?

Wolf: My name is Wolf, and I am absolutely terrified of the color red.

(SNOW WHITE BEGINS TO SNEEZE AND PULLS OUT A RED HANKY. WOLF SEES IT, YELLS, AND DUCKS DOWN BEHIND DR. GRIMM.)

White: Oh, sorry. I'm allergic to dogs.

Wolf: I'm not a dog. I'm a wolf. There's a big difference.

White: Explain that to my allergies. (SNEEZES. USES HANKY AGAIN, AND WOLF SCREAMS)

Grimm: It's alright, Mr. Wolf. She just sneezed. And besides...it's only a hanky.

Wolf: (SITTING BACK DOWN TIMIDLY) Only a hanky!? Only a hanky? That hanky almost gave me a heart attack.

Grimm: There, there. So, tell me, why are you so terrified of the color red?

Wolf: I remember the day like it was yesterday, but really it was almost ten years ago. I was in the New York are getting a little R&R. Anyway, here's how the story ran in the local paper.

(TWINKLING MUSIC TO SIGNIFY TRANSITION TO LITTLE RED RIDER FROM THE HOOD. LIGHTS OUT)

Narrator: Once upon a time there was a....um....sweet little...boy named Rider. Everyone who met him liked him, but the person who like him most of all was his grandmother. He often made the journey from his inthe Bronx to his Granmother's in the country. The old woman loved her grandson, and she loved to spoil him. Once she gave him a little cap made of red cloth. Because it suited him so well and he wore it all the time, whenever he cam to the country he was called Little Red Rider from the Hood.

One day, his mother said to him, "Come, Little red Rider. here is a piece of cake and a bottle of cider. Take them to your grandmother. She is sick and weak, and they will do her good. Mind your manners and give her our blessings. Behave yourself on the way, and do not wonder astray, or you might get lost or eaten by the evil things of this world."

Little Red Rider promised to obey his mother. The granmother lived an hour's walk from the city. Soon after Little Red Rider entered the country, a wolf cam up to him. He did not know what a wicked animal he was, so Little Red Rider took a short break from his walk to talk with Wolf.

(CURTAIN OPEN TO FIND RIDER BOUNCING THROUGH THE FOREST, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN WOLF POPS OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE)

Wolf: Good day to you, Little Red Rider from the Hood.

Rider: Word Up! Forschizzle my nizzle, my good wolf!

Wolf: May I ask where you might be going, oh so early in the morning, Little Red Rider from the Hood?

Rider: To my Slammin Grammin, a'course.

Wolf: And may I ask what you be packing in the pockets of those giant pants of yours?

Rider: Well, da word up is Gramms ain't doing' so up there. So Ma said, "Wine her; dine her; it'll make her fell finer." The goods es fresher den da Fresh Prince, and they should get her hippity hoppin in no time soon.

Wolf: Little Red Rider from the Hood, just where does your sweet and innocent grandmother live?

Rider: Gramm's hood es 'bout half hour from this here place, under the 1....2....5 oak trees (HOLDING UP THREE FINGERS). There's this wicked hedge of hazel bushes. You godda know that which I speak of.

Wolf: (ASIDE) I do know her, that nice, fat lady under the oaks. She will be a tasty little morsel. But how do I get Little Red Rider from the Hood out of my way? (HARD THINK, THEN LOOKS OFFSTAGE) That's it! (TALKING TO RIDER) Listen, Little Red Rider from the Hood, have you seen the beautiful mushrooms that are blossoming near the lake? Why don't you go take a look? And I don't believe you have heard how beautifully the pigeons are singing in the trees.

Rider: Gramms will love some shrooms. I I crank schnizzel a load, I can be back in da hood by dark.

(RIDER GOES RUNNING OFF STAGE. WOLF RUNS SNEAKILY OFF THE OTHER WAY. CURTAINS CLOSE)

(BRIEF INTERMISSION TO CHANGE SCENES FROM WOODS

(START OFF WITH NO FRONT SPOTS, BACK LIT ONLY. GRAMMS SILHOUETTED)

Gramms: (PRETENDING TO SING TO MUSIC WHILE DANCING CRAZILY ACROSS STAGE) (SONG FROM HAIRSPRAY) Once upon a time, girl, I was just like you. Never let my extra large Largesse shine through. Hair was brown and nappy. Never had no fun. I hid under a bushel Which is easier said than done! Then one day my grandma who was big and stout. She said, "You gotta love yourself from inside out." And just as soon as I learned How to strut my funky stuff, I found out that the worl at large can't get enough. So... (CUE SPOTS AND ALL ON STAGE FOR DANCE PARTY) Bring on the pecan pie. Pour some sugar on it sugar don't be shy. scoop me up a mess of that chocolate swirl. Don't be stingy, I'm a growing girl. I offer big love with no apology. How can I deny the world the most of me? I am not afraid to throw my weight around, Pound by pound by pound. (CUT MUSIC, KNOCK OFF STAGE, ALL OFF EXCEPT GRAMMS)

Gramms: Oh dear, just a second.

Wolf: (TO THE AUDIENCE) This old fatty will never know what hit her.

Gramms: (SEEING WOLF) Oh lordy, da devil himself has stepped upon my hold threshold. Be gone from dis holy place. Be gone, devil creature!

Wolf: If you do as I say, my little fatty, I'll be patient and save you for dinner tonight instead of eating you RIGHT NOW!

Gramms: I might be sick, and I might be ode, and I might be FAT! But I'll still give you a whoppin' boy!

(GRAMMS COMES AT WOLF WITH CANE. WOLF EASILY GRABS IT AND CONKS HER ON THE HEAD)

Wolf: I'll save her for the main course of the night. (TRIES TO DRAG HER OFF, BUT CAN'T).....well, maybe the main course for a few night. Now, I'll lay in wait from my little, red appetizer. (EVIL LAUGH)

(LIGHTS DARKEN, WOLF GRABS CHAIR AND BLANKET FROM OFF STAGE AND BRINGS THEM OUT. RIDER WALK INTO THE DARK HOUSE)

Rider: Wassup, Gramms!? What sorta playa makes their house as hooky spooky as this? Gramms! Where are you Gramms?!

Wolf: (IN A SOFT VOICE) Over hea-ear! I like the dark when I'm sickly. Are you scared child?....let me sing to you....(SCREECHILY) Rider's in his holy TEMPLEEE!"

Rider: Gramms! You tryin' to make me deaf!? I know you're ill, so, please, no hippity hopping when you're sick Gramms!...I brung you these shrooms to make you feel sweeta in yo seata.

Wolf: Come child..... sit down beside me and we'll eat them together.

(RIDER GOES AND SITS IN FRONT OF WOLF. HE GETS SUSPICIOUS WHEN HE SEES BLANKET WRAPPED ALL AROUND HIM)

Rider: Gramms! What wicked big ears you gots!

Wolf: All the better to hear you with, my sweet child!

Rider: Gramms! What wicked big eyes you gots!

Wolf: All the better to see you with, my sweet child!

Rider: Gramms! What wicked big hands you gots!

Wolf: All the better to SQUEEZE you with, my sweet child!

Rider: Gramms! What a horribly wicked big schnozzer you gots!

Wolf: All the better to gobble you down with!

Rider: Stay away from da playa, foo!

(WOLF JUMPS AT RIDER, RIGHT THEN A LARGE MAN DRESSED IN A BLACK CAPE AND BRIGHT RED SHIRT COME LEAPING IN, THUMPING HIS CHEST LIKE TARZAN. HE ALSO WEARS A BATMAN MASK UPON HIS FACE)

Large Man: (YELLING) Ayayayayayayayayaya, be gone wolf, or I will hunt you, stuff you, and hang you on my wall!

Wolf: And why should I listen to you, you crazy lookin' cherry man?

Large Man: Because, Wolf, I am the legendary (FLINGS BACK CLOAK) CRIMSON CRONEY CRUNCHER OF THE CALADRIOUS CLAN!" and there's not one animal upon this Earth I have not captured.....plus, I know your father.

Wolf: You know my father?

Large Man: Yes......I am your father.

Wolf: You are my father? You....you're the one that left mother to fend for herself with five little pups!? It's your fault I grew up to be a maneating beast! You're the reason for this! You're the reason....(LOOKS AT LARGE MAN'S BRIGHT RED SHIRT) YOU...THE RED MAN.....EVIL RED MAN....RED! (TURNS TO RUN AND SEES RIDER'S RED HAT) ...RED! RED! AHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Wolf goes running off the stage yelling "RED!")

Large Man: I am sorry for the things I have done to htat poor creature, but I would never have been able to stay with the family. My hunting nature called.....Now, where is that grandmother of yours?

(We hear Gramms yelling from offstage)

Rider: Jes one munizzle, Gramms....it's all good now.

(RIDER EXITS. WE HEAR LOUD BANGING OFF STAGE WHILE LARGE MAN FINDS A SEAT IN THE HOUSE)

Rider: (OFF STAGE) Gramms...how did he squeeze you into such a little closet?

Gramms: (OFF STAGE) Deary, I den't know... Oh, watch it! ......(BANG BANG)......Rider, don't go over there!......(CRASH AND RIDER YELLING LIKE FALLING FAR)

(LARGE MAN JUMPS UP FROM HIS CHAIR TO GO HELP BACKSTAGE, BUT GRAMMS BACKS UP ONTO STAGE FIRST)

Gramms: (ALL FRANTIC, WITH HER BACK TO THE LARGE MAN) Rider! He's fallen into de whale.... I can't get him back up et.

Large Man: Excuse me, mam? Did you say he fett into the whale?

Gramms: (NOT NOTICING ANYONE SPOKE TO HER BECAUSE STILL FRANTIC) Yes, da whale. You know. you get water from da whale with a bucket..... a wishing whale....(TURNS TO SEE WHO SHE'S TALKING TO, AND FALLS INSTANTLY IN LOVE)....Oh my, my, my....what do we have here? (SHE STRUTS OVER TO LARGE MAN) ........What a SWATE PACE of MEAT the dogs drug in TONIGHT!

Large Man: Um......I......Um........hear someone in trouble.......I must......um...RUN! (EXITS FAST)

Gramms: (CHASING WITH HOBBLE) Wait, swatey! Come back, honey! Don't run from your sugar momma!

(LIGHTS DIM. LIGHTS BRIGHTEN REVEALING PSYCH GROUP)

Wolf: That what they said about me, but that's not how it went. I was just trying to help Gramms get something out of the closet and she fell in and the door locked. Then I tried to get Rider to help me but this uh...ah....EH.....RE.....CRAZY CORNY COMSON CUCKER OF THE CRUNCHING CLUB CAME SCREAMIN IN! He came and told me that he wanted to kill me then he told me he was my father! Tell me, what do I do doc?!?

Grimm: Well, let's hear the others stories then we'll get back to you.

Wolf: (YELLING) What!!! You're supposed to help people like me. I don't believe this. This is ridiculous. I am paying you good money to GET THIS RED MAN OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

Anna: (WHISHPERS) Sssssssshhh, be quiet.

Grimm: Why??? He has every right to YELL AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS! Anyway, what's your name and what the heck is wrong with you?

Anna: (WHISPERING) My name is Anna and I haev multiple personalities, so would you please stop yelling.

Wolf: Why are you whispering?

Anna: I don't want to wake the other.

Wolf: What others?

Anna: Well.....there's Clive, Dolly, and me, Anna. Clive's a bank robber and Dolly is a six-year-old crybaby.

Grimm: Ah, I see. Well, what caused you to go crazy?

(LIGHTS DIM AND TWINKLING MUSIC COMES ON)

Narrator: Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a beautiful girl who was enslaved in her own mansio. OK, well, Maybe it was a five floor walkup in downtown Manhattan, but who's taking notes anyway.

Cindy's father had died suddenly and left everything to her stepmother and her two children. Anna and Ella were the worst sisters and they always bossed cindy around. Eventually, Cindy was forced to become the family's nanny and was given orders left and right.

As time passed, Cindy's beuty faded under the stress of housekeeping and she began to look a lot like Elizabeth Taylor. Old and worn out. Cindy was probably the most unpopular girl at school and Anna and Ella didn't make it any better. What Cindy wanted the most was to get revenge on her evil stepsisters and teach them a lesson the would not soon forget.

(LIGHTS BRIGHTEN OUTSIDE OF CURTAINS, ENTER ANNA AND ELLA)

Anna: Cindy!

Ella: Cindy, get down her right now!

Anna/Ella: CINDY!

(CINDY ENTERS)

Ella: You still look dreadful.

Anna: As always.

Cindy: Sorry.

Ella: Just get your stuff, we're gonna be late!

Cindy: Just a second!

Anna: No, not just a second. We're gonna miss the limo!

Cindy: But I haven't even eaten yet!

Anna/Ella: NOW!!!

(LIGHTS DIM. CURTAINS OPEN REVEALING THEM IN SCHOOL BACKDROP)

Ella: Look Cindy, it's just like everyday. Just stay out of our way and act like you don't know us and everything will be just fine.

Anna: And whatever you do, if Adam Hilston come within a city block of us, you better jump into the nearest trash can. Yah got that!

Cindy: OK (LEAVES)

(SISTERS WALK OVER TO CALLIE)

Ella: Oh my gawd Callie, quess what happened to me last night!

Callie: Likem yuo got bit by a caribou?

Anna: No, she didn't get bit by a caribou!

Ella: Adam Hilston called me!

(GIRLS GIGGLE SNICKER LAUGH)

Callie: Adam Hilston. You mean the guy with suave hair, nice abs, and an awesome.....yah know!

Anna/Ella: NNNNNNNNNHHHHHHAAAAAAA!

Callie: well, what did he say?

Ella: Oh, well, he had the wrong number, but he still called me!

Cindy: (ENTERS, WALKS OVER TO ANNA, OTHER GIRLS CHATTING QUIETLY) Hey, Anna, do you have some chap stick that I can borrow?

Anna: Excuse me! Who are you?

Cindy: Your sister.

Anna: (PULLS HER ASIDE) I thuoght I told you not to talk to us, Cindy!

Ella/Callie: (LOOKING OFF STAGE) There's Adam! (LEAVE RUNNING OFFSTAGE)

Anna: Stay out of our lives! (PUSHES CINDY INTO TRASH CAN AND RUNS OFF STAGE)

Cindy: (DIM LIGHTS, SPOTLIGHT ON HER IN TRASH, SINGING) Just thinking about, tomorrow, Clears away the cob webs and the sorrow, 'til there's none. When I'm stuck with a day, that's grey and lonely, I'll just stick out my chin, and grin, and say, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, maybe they'll like me tomorrow. (DUCKS INTO GARBAGE)

Random Character: (WALKS BY AND THROWS A BANANA PEEL INTO GARBAGE)

Cindy: It's only a day away!

(LIGHTS BRIGHTEN, HOLLY, SOME SOUTHERN GIRL, WALKS ON STAGE AND SEES CINDY)

Holly: What are you doing in there?

Cindy: Is it safe to come out?

Holly: Yes...

Cindy: (CRAWLS OUT) Oh, thank you. I'm Cindy.

Holly: I'm Holly Preston. I just moved here from Little Rock, Arkansas. Why were you hiding in the garbage can?

Cindy: My step-sister threw me in there when the guy she liked came by.

Holly: Well, you are a quite unfortunate sould, but hardly trash worthy.

Cindy: Well, it's nice to meet you!

(SCHOOL ANNOUNCEMENT BEEPS ON, ALL GO SILENT)

Announcer: Good Morning Appleton High School, and here are your announcements! Don't forget, winter ball's tomorrow and this is the last day you can buy tickets. Couples are $75 and singles are $35. (SOMEONE WITH IGOR VOICE) And remember, only losers don't go to the winter ball!

(ANNOUNCER ENDS AND BEEPS OFF)

Holly: Oh, I live for dances! What about you? Are you going?

Cindy: I can't. My mom would never let me go, and I don't have anything to wear.

Holly: Oh, don't worry about that. I'll take care of everything. All you'll have to worry about is the hot guy you're gonna land at the ball.

(LIGHTS DIM. LIGHTS BRIGHTEN WITH CINDY, STAGE CENTER, ON A CHAIR. HOLLY WALKS AROUND HER)

Holly: (spoken)Cindy - now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project.

Cindy: (spoken) You really don't have to do that.

Holly: (spoken) I know. That's what makes me so nice! (SUNG- SONG FROM WICKED MUSICAL) Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I. (And let's face it - who isn't less fortunate than I?) My tender heart tends to start to bleed and when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over. I know I know exactly what they need. and even in your case, Tho' it's the tougheest case I've yet to face, Don't worry. I'm determined to succeed. Follow my lead, and yes, indeed, you will be: Popular! You're gonna be popular! I'll teach you the proper ploys when you tlka to boys. Little ways to flirt and flounce. I'll show you what shoes to wear, How to fix your hair, Everything that really count.

To be popular, I'll help you be popular! You'll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports, Know the slang you've got to know. So let's start 'Cause you've got an awful long way to go:

Don't be offended by my frank analysis. Think of it as personality dialysis. Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sister and adviser There's nobody wiser. Not when it come to popular - I know about popular. And with an assist from me, to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who-you-were:

There's nothing that can stop you from becoming popular: La La LA LA LA We're gonna make you popular.

(CINDY RUNS OFF BACKSTAGE)

When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features I remind them on their own behalf to think of Celebrated heads of state of specially great communicators. Did they have brains or knowledge? Don't make me luahg! They were popular! Please - It's all about popular! It's not about aptitude, It's the way you're viewed, So it's very shrewd to be, Very Very popular Like Me!

(CINDY RUNS BACK ON STAGE, BEAUTIFUL GOWN, FLOWING BROWN HAIR)

Holly: (spoken) Why, Cindy, look at you. You're beautiful.

Cindy: (spoken) I - I have to go! (CINDY RUNS OFF)

Holly: (spoken) Well, be back home by midnight! (sung) And though you protest your disinterest. I know clandestinely, You're gonna grin and bear it, Your new found popularity. LA la la la. You'll be popular - Just not quite as popular as me!

(DIM LIGHTS AND CLOSE CURTAIN)

(OPEN CURTAIN TO REVEAL WINTERBALL. RANDOM GIRLS DANCING WITH RANDOM GUYS. ADAM HILSTON IN CORNER SURROUNDED BY GIRLS, BUT HE DOES NOT SEEM TO WANT TO DANCE WITH ANY OF THEM)

DJ: (over intercom) Ok kids, this is the last song for this year's winter ball so grab a hold of that person that you've neem eye'n for the whole night and shake it up with 'em.

(ALL THE GIRLS RUSH TO ADAM)

(CINDY WALK IN VERY TIMIDLY)

Adam: (SEEING HER AND RUSHED OVER, GRABBING HER HAND) Would you like to dance?

Cindy: Sure!

Adam: Let's go!

(ADAM AND CINDY BEGIN TO DANGE AND STARE DEEP INTO EACH OTHERS EYES WHILE SISTERS AND CALLIE, WHO ARE IN ANOTHER CORNER, BICKER)

Ella: Why is he dancing with her?

Anna: I don't know. We were sooooo nice to him!

Callie Who is that no good loser anyway?

Ella: It's nobody that I've seen before.

Anna: Maybe she's an alien dressed as a human.

Callie: Hey moron, maybe she's not!

(SONG ENDS)

DJ: Hey, thanks for coming. And remember, if you need a DJ for your school, be sure to call J.J. Jamal's DJ service. Have a good night!

Cindy: I have to go.

Adam: Hey, wait, I don't even kow your name!

Cindy: I have to go. (RUNS OFF STAGE, LEAVING ONE SHOE BEHIND)

Adam: (PICKING UP SHOE) Wait!

(LIGHTS FADE)

(LIGHTS BRIGTHEN FOR NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL)

(GIRLS OF ALL SHAPES, SIZES, AND DISGUSTING HABITS ARE LINED UP IN FRONT OF A TABLE TO TRY ON THE SHOE.)

Girl 1: Oh, it's most definitely my show!

(PUTS HER FOOT UP ON CHAIR TO REVEAL IT BEING COVERED BY CAST)

Adam: Do I look stupid?

Girl 1: (TIMIDLY) Am I supposed to answer that?

Adam: Next! (GIRL 1 RUNS OFF SAD, HOBBLING)

(ADAM GOES TO PUT ON THE SHOE)

Girl 2: (SCREAMS) Don't... I just can't do it. I wasn't even at the ball. I was at home playing with my Barbies. I'm so sorry. (GOES BALLING OFF STAGE)

(ANNA RUNS IN)

Anna: Oh honey, don't your worry. Anna's here! (GOES AND TACKLES ADAM)

Adam: Get off of me you big hunk of lard!

(CINDY WALK BY)

Adam: Wait! Do you want to try on the shoe?

Anna: Oh no, she doesn't want to try it on. She wasn't even at the ball. Plus, why would you waste your time with her when you can have as much of me as you want!

Cindy: I'd love to!

(CINDY SITS, ANNA PULLS CINDY AWAY ABOUT 3X, AND FINALLY FALLS BACKWARDS OFFSTAGE AND ADAM SLIPS SHOE ON)

Adam: (DROPPING TO ONE KNEE) Do you want to be....my girlfriend!

Cindy: Oh, I do!

("MY GIRL" BEGINS PLAYING - THE TWO DANCE)

(LIGHTS DIM, CURTAINS CLOSE. MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY AS SCENE CHANGES TO PSYCH WARD)

(LIGHTS ON)

Anna: (TWITCHING HER EYE) You...see. That little brat never even gave me a chance at him. (SHAKES VIOLENTLY FOR TRANSITION TO CLIVE, NOW TALKS IN DEEP VOICE) I say we go and hold him up, take all his money, then gets our rears outta town before the sheriff gits us. (VIOLENT SHAKES TO DOLLY, NOW TALK IN SQUEAKY VOICE) NOOOOOOOOO!!! That would be scary, oh so scary, and I don't wanna!!! WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (SHE SHAKES VIOLENTLY TO THE GROUND IN FRONT OF CHARACTERS, NOW TALKING IN REGULAR ANNA VOICE) See doc....now their loose, and you gotta help......ME!

Grimm: I....I see we have a serious case here.

Pinocchio: (SarCASTICALLY) Well tickle my big, nosed nostrils and step on the ginger bread man, she sees we have a serious case here!

Gretel: (GETTING UP AND RUNNING AROUND STAGE LOOKING AROUND AND PICKING UP CHAIR, SCREAMING) Did someone say gingerbread? GINGERBREAD!?! I love gingerbread, where is it..... Gingerbread man, get in my belly!! (CONTINUES FRANTIC SEARCH AROUND STAGE)

Snow White: (GETTING PUSHED BY GRETEL, FALLS TOO CLOSE TO WOLF, RIPS OUT HER HANKY TO SNEEZE, AND HANKY FALLS AND GETS STUCK ON WOLF'S BACK) HACHOOOOOO!!! Oh no, what have I done! HACHOOOOOOOO!!!

Wolf: (SCARED OUT OF HIS MIND) AAAAHHH! Get it off! Get this horrid thing off me, it burns me, I can feel it. Oh hideous world, I'm dying, I'm DYING!

Sleeping Beauty: (TO CROWD) How am I supposed to ever get any sleep in a place like this! (SLEEPING BEAUTY RUNS TO GRIMM, ANNA FALLS TO FLOOR IN FRONT OF DR. GRIMM) Do something Doc! You must stop them!

Grimm: Do something?........(GETS CRAZY) DO SOMETHING! I can't do anything! I work the fron desk here at the hospital. I was told yesterday that I was going to be handling a bunch of lunatics that thought THEY WERE FAIRY TALE CREATURES! (EVERYONE STOPS EVERYTHING, SILENCE)

Omnes: (TALKING TO CROWD, EACH OTHER, BUT NOT GRIMM) Did she just say that we weren't fairy tale creatures!? (DUMBFOUNDED) No way. That's complete lunacy. We've got to be, how else would we know all these things. (MURMURS FROM ALL)

Anna: (QUICK SHAKE) Nothing's happening. (QUICK SHAKE) They're not coming. (QUICK SHAKE) Where did they go? I gotta find them. (RUNS OFF STAGE, PAST AUDIENCE, OUT BACK DOORS)

Pinocchio: (A LITTLE SAD, BUT SMILES AT THE END) I suppose my nose will always be fairly large anyway, it doesn't need to grow any more. I'm gonna go smell the worl with this great schnozzer.

Wolf: (HIS MASK FALLS TO THE FLOOR) Ahhhh! My face fell off. but red, HAHA! It doesn't burn anymore, my back.....(Takes hanky off back and wipes his face with it)......FEEEELSSS GOOOOD! Well, now that I'm not a wolf, I'm gonna go take a shower. (SCRATCHES) These fleas, the little buggers hurt! OW!

Snow White: I guess little men are really kinda cute. Um, I like their button noses and little cherry cheeks. He he! Bring on the shorties! (GOES RUNNING OFF STAGE)

Sleeping Beauty: (FELL ASLEEP DURING ALL PAST EXPLANATIONS) SNOOOORE! Snort! Snort! Snort!

Gretel: (WALKING OVER TO GRIMM) Are you telling me I'm just a fat woman? Are you telling me I never ate a house of gingerbread? I know I ate a house, maybe not that house, but I ate one! And I'm still fat..... but (PULLS OUT MIRROR) I'm a rather voluptous fat woman. Where did that boy with the big nose go, I don't think he's ever seen the whole me! (GOES FLOPPING OFF STAGE)

Grimm: Well, that was interesting. Considering I've never helped anybody, and I'm not even a psychiatrist. It was a good thing I never told them my story of how I used to wear a sea shell bra and have a fish tail under the sea. (BIG SMILE AND THINKING HARD, WALKS TO OTHER SIDE OF STAGE). But, it tunred out alright in the end. I didn't get any money from them for my services, but I did save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

(Lights Dim.)

THE END

*Coming soon - How we pulled this off with only the three of us and a few others* ;)